"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified." -Romans 8:28-30
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Often I find myself asking, "why is this happening to me?"
As though I can really judge what is good or bad for me in the grand scheme of my life. However, P. Dave said something interesting to that question:
"The greatest gift God can give is to make us like Jesus. The unchanging program of God is that whether times are good or bad, He is trying to shape you. If all God did was polish, then we would never have shape or form. Wood doesn't carve itself, it yields to the carver."
So I suppose it isn't necessarily bad to ask God "why?" It's a perfectly natural response to any situation you don't understand. I think that I have a tendency to ask, expecting to receive an answer that is in line with what I think. However, the answer appears to be that simple.
Why? To make me more like Jesus.
In the words of the kids I teach - oh, snap!
So coming off of this retreat, if I could take one tangible thing away, it would be to challenge myself, in all circumstances, to ask the question "How is this making me more like Jesus?"
Oh, freaking snap indeed...
I must say, it's been quite the perspective shift. At the very least, it wards off (or uh, holds off) the pity parties and melodramamatic frustrations. But in order to understand how these situations make you more like Jesus, you have to know the character and experiences of Jesus.
So I recently lost my training partner and only real peer/friend at the dj to graduation from law school and entrance into corporate law. J was my best good friend. He was the one who would scrape me off the ground...who literally was there at the mat, coaching me through all the times I fought Sabs until I broke, who would pick me up when I was a crying wheezing ball on the side, who would tell me more about my game (and myself) than I could ever have seen in my own denial. He was the one who suffered with me through brutal workouts, who inspired me with how good he was, who made himself available despite school and finals and girlfriends when I needed him. He was the one who sparred me just hard enough to push me but not so hard that I'd get discouraged and give up. He was the one who was always on my side.
And above all, he was the one person who always, always believed in me even when it felt like no one else did. Even when I didn't. Not in the "you can do it!" sense that anyone can say, but in knowing all about my strengths and weaknesses and standing by me in my best and worst moments. No matter who I was up against, he never once gave up on me or thought that I didn't stand a chance. And he believed in me in a way I understood.
He was the card in my back pocket.
He moved downtown this summer, and disappeared into the world of power ties and cocktails, only to emerge on occasion. I feel like I lost a little bit of myself.
A is one of my little bros, quite talented, and loyal in a way that only dongsengs are. He could always be counted on to hold, to observe, to generally be supportive. He was the only one who knew how to stretch me, the one who would run with me and push me, who would be that "annoying lil' bro" and make me laugh. Who would let noona smack him around just because I was noona, and love to give me nasty sweaty hugs and shake his hair in my face after I put him through a grueling workout. In his own way, I could count on him to be there. Until recently. Overwhelmed with work and school, he's lost motivation in his own training and fallen off the face of the earth.
M was my only girl junior who was also my friend. Her support went so far where I was only surrounded by boys. (Don't get me wrong - I love my boys - but being the only girl is rough sometimes.) She was the one who looked up to me and whose admiration reminded me that I was to be as awesome as she thought I was. She was the one who wrote me good luck cards, sent me inspirational quotes before Spain, and generally just encouraged me. We sent her off to college this fall, where she is now happily a freshman and moving on. I miss her.
B&N were the most awesome positive supporters ever. They flew with me everywhere for a year, cheered me on at tournaments, were always so excited and genuinely interested in everything that happened. They would sit and watch me practice and just want to see me fight. Their wide-eyed color belt wonderment at the game and the training was so refreshing - it restored much of my love for the pureness of it, and melted away the jaded and tired blanket that so often settles. I used to see them almost every day - talked to them every day. Last year they got pregnant and are now proud parents of a beautiful baby girl. I've seen them less than 10 times in the last year.
D was my baby. I saw him every day at the dojang, when his little face would light up, he'd run across the room and give me a big fat hug and kiss on the cheek, saying "hi noona!" It was the best part of my day. He'd want to show me his Pokemon cards and Power Rangers. And as he got older and more articulate, we actually started having conversations. He's 5 1/2 now, and started kindergarten in September. I miss "hi noona!"
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