Who am I?
So last month, I managed to put myself in a situation where time stopped. OK, more like, I have two watches that I alternate depending on whether I have to look nice or not, and one had a dead battery and one was lost.
I thinkI have an obsession with time...I guess it usually happens to busy people, constantly checking the clock to make sure appts are kept. I came to this conclusion because without my watches, I was just that idiot that looked at her wrist every 2 minutes.
After going crazy for a week, I searched high and low for my trusty Nike watch that has served me well for nearly 6 years...but it was nowhere to be found. I resorted to using my cell phone for the time, but that just became annoying, having to pull it out every time I needed to check. So although I meant to get the battery replaced before leaving for Spain...it just didn't happen.
Being in a foreign country must give me a feeling of insecurity, because somehow, I feel the need to check the time more often. Perhaps because I'm out of my routine and can't just use my inner clock...but when I got to JFK that Saturday, I knew I was going to go nuts if I didn't have a watch for the whole trip.
I thought to myself, JFK is a big airport - there MUST be a place I can buy a watch somewhere. Let it be known - unless you want a $12 fake and/or gaudy monstrosity (that will probably stop telling time every few hours) from Hudson News - JFK is a dud. So I decided to hold off and wait until we got to Madrid and hope for better luck.
The duty free shops did not disappoint. However, they seemed to be full of higher-end watches that I would rarely use. Ideally, I would have liked to have replaced my Nike watch, or gotten something digital and functional of the sort. However, they only had fancy schmancy watches, swatch watches, and cheapo kiddie watches.
After much hemming and hawwing, I finally settled on a swatch watch. It was more than I would have liked to have paid for a plastic watch that only tells time, but given the choices, I thought it was the best combination of functional, different (ie. not a blue sports watch, like all my other watches over my lifetime), light, and...cute.
My watch.
Don't laugh. I don't wear it with the pink thing with the ears with it.
2-4-6-0-1...
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
fought the good fight
All the outrage lately over referees' missed or misjudged calls during the World Cup really got me thinking about the nature of competition and those crucial moments that make or break games. Obviously everyone was upset about the referee's flag that was overruled during the Korea/Swiss match - I know my heart sank when the head ref refused to acknowledge the off-sides. Without much time left and a 2 goal deficit - it was near impossible for them to make a comeback. More than the probability, though, is the psychological effect that it has on a player or team when a crucial decision doesn't go your way. When you not only physically have to fight uphill to equalize - but when you have to play thinking the referees aren't calling a fair game, worried that the cards are stacked - when in the back of your mind, the thought emerges "what if I'm going to lose no matter what?"
Under all the idealism of organized sports, the national camraderie produced, the principles of fair play and sportsmanship...what remains of sports when all this is challenged and tainted? For all the sacrifice and giving your all (and then some) out there - do you really want to keep playing a game that may not be fair?
I remember the first time I got to wear a USA uniform - my first World University Games. I remember being so excited about finally getting to be on a national team, at my first international competition, in Korea, no less. It also happened to be one of the best organized and exciting productions of Taekwondo competitions, modeled after the Olympics but on a collegiate level.
After a week and a half of travelling with the team, sightseeing, training hard both within the team and as guests at various schools in Korea, and living in the athlete's village, we were ready for the competition to begin. Looking back, I was pretty raw back then, and very much inexperienced.
My first fight was slated against Mexico. She was tall, but didn't look terribly fast. The bracket was good, and that a medal was do-able if I could fight well. I was nervous, but fueled by the kid-in-the-candy-store sort of excitement that only comes from rookies. (Sometimes I wish I could get some of that wide-eyed wonderment back). To top it all off, my dad had come to Korea to watch me, showing up at the competition with 4 of his friends from high school, complete with banners. (Because of our business, my father has, to this day, watched me in only a handful of competitions - it was a *very* big deal that he took the time off to be there).
I stepped into the ring ready to prove myself. And 8 minutes later, I was absolutely heartbroken, and my entire team almost fell out of the stands in protest. A missed call here or there is understandable - no one is perfect and referees make mistakes. To kick at the same time and have only your opponent's point go up - perhaps. But to kick uncontested and receive no points. To knock someone back with a kick and have a point go up for the opponent. To kick clearly to the face and receive only one point (head shots are worth 2 pts). And in the end to be down by 2 points with 20 seconds left, and have the referee stop the match but not stop the time - thereby eliminating ANY possible opportunity for a comeback - it was about as unfair as it could get.
I remember being hysterical, then being angry. For awhile, I didn't want to fight ever again. I didn't understand how it could be. It didn't make sense to me how the outcome of matches could ultimately come down, not to the talent, dedication, or desire of the athletes and coaches - but to the decisions of judges. Judges who could very well be corrupt, biased, or incompetant.
So with the recent outrage over Italy having been awarded the fake penalty that led to to game-deciding goal after time was out, or even the grumbles over who gets yellow cards and who doesn't for the same penalty...it stares me straight in the face: life is not fair.
It just isn't.
But it isn't supposed to be fair. As I watch this World Cup and comtemplate the future of my competition career, it's clearer what CS Lewis meant when he talked about having a heaven shaped hole in our hearts. The cry for justice in even everyday things like sports was a reminder to me that life should be fair, and that we were meant for something better.
It made me wonder what it would be like if we had referees who always made the right call. Who could see every foul play and assess every sticky situation and be able to assign blame to the person at fault. Who could look into the hearts of the players and see the difference between intentional penalties and circumstantial ones.
For the past 5 years I've been competing, I have held this verse as my personal motto: 1 Corinthians 9:24 - Run in such a way as to get the prize.
At this crossroads and in planning the final years of my run, the goal becomes clearer than ever - to be able to say this with confidence when it's all said and done:
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." -2 Timothy 4:7
Press on.
Monday, June 26, 2006
pink part 1
What is happening to me?
So the other day, I had a bit of free time on my hands (such a pleasant surprise these days), and thought I remembered the flavor of the week was Green Tea at Beard Papas. Normally I'm not one to be impulsive, particularly for something fatty (Beard Papas makes Japanese cream puffs), but...hey, why not?
However, my quest was diverted as I got out at 79th St. and saw that there was a Filene's Basement on the corner. It made me all nostalgic for Boston for some reason, so I decided to pop in. In my attempt to diversify my wardrobe, I decided to go out on a limb - I purchased 3 new polo shirts.
I know what you're thinking: sparky, you wear polo shirts all the time, get some girl shirts and stop looking like you're going to go play golf.
However, these were unlike any shirts I've ever owned.
They were bright.
In fact, one was pink. Bright. Pink. I don't know what possessed me to buy that shirt. No, that's a lie - a 50% sale and not wanting to sweat to death at work wearing long sleeves over the summer is what possessed me. Man, this seems to be a recurring theme - frugality (that might not be a real word) winning out over principle.
Yes, well, we all step out of our comfort zones in different ways.
I never made it to Beard Papas before it closed. Dangit, there won't be green tea cream puffs for another month! I have no cream puffs, and all I have to show for it is this pink shirt...
So the other day, I had a bit of free time on my hands (such a pleasant surprise these days), and thought I remembered the flavor of the week was Green Tea at Beard Papas. Normally I'm not one to be impulsive, particularly for something fatty (Beard Papas makes Japanese cream puffs), but...hey, why not?
However, my quest was diverted as I got out at 79th St. and saw that there was a Filene's Basement on the corner. It made me all nostalgic for Boston for some reason, so I decided to pop in. In my attempt to diversify my wardrobe, I decided to go out on a limb - I purchased 3 new polo shirts.
I know what you're thinking: sparky, you wear polo shirts all the time, get some girl shirts and stop looking like you're going to go play golf.
However, these were unlike any shirts I've ever owned.
They were bright.
In fact, one was pink. Bright. Pink. I don't know what possessed me to buy that shirt. No, that's a lie - a 50% sale and not wanting to sweat to death at work wearing long sleeves over the summer is what possessed me. Man, this seems to be a recurring theme - frugality (that might not be a real word) winning out over principle.
Yes, well, we all step out of our comfort zones in different ways.
I never made it to Beard Papas before it closed. Dangit, there won't be green tea cream puffs for another month! I have no cream puffs, and all I have to show for it is this pink shirt...
Sunday, June 25, 2006
dealbreaker?
A random impromptu late night outing with discussions the other day left me with some interesting thoughts to mull over.
As I get older, I realize that the long list of "requirements" that I once had as a teenager or in college - you know, the list you rattle off when someone asks you what you look for in a potential significant other - has gotten shorter and shorter. Then again, with how specific it was back then, it's not like it could've gotten any longer. =)
And perhaps it is, as some say, a function of getting "more desperate" as the years tick by....but actually, I think it's related to a couple factors:
1) As you get older, you learn more of who you actually are.
In the massive identity crisis that is college, and the even more massive one that hits right after you graduate - you don't always know what's best for you and what you need. Who am I, really? And where am I going? What do I really care about, what are my top priorities, what do I value deep down inside?
I think that the more aware you are of yourself, the more aware you get of what type of person would be compatible with you and that you could live with. So the list that you made when you were 15, vs. the list at 20, vs. the list at 25, are quite possibly going to be different. Perhaps very different. But I don't think it's necessarily because your tastes change...I think it's a growing awareness of what they ARE.
2) As you get older, you realize the difference between preferences and dealbreakers, and toe the line between what you can and cannot live with.
In college, we used to play this game called "perfect in every way, but..." I actually think it was instigated by our very own staffworker, JC. So the point of the game was to go around the circle and share that one characteristic about someone, that if they were perfect in every way, but had one attribute that you couldn't stand, you just couldn't be with them. ie. what are your dealbreakers? (We were playing at a retreat once, and someone said "webbed feet" for theirs...man, some people think of everything!)
I think it's valuable to have an idea of what your dealbreakers are, particularly when in a state of singleness. Because forget it, when emotions and idealism hit - there's little hope of being rational. I've seen too many people fall head over heels for the wrong person, and pay the price of digging themselves out of emotional wreckage later, after becoming attached and dependent upon them.
The funny thing is, sometimes you find out dealbreakers by being in relationships, and realizing that there are some things you just can't compromise or accept. Other times, you have what you consider to be dealbreakers, and then when that special someone comes along who is "perfect in every other way"...you question whether that was really a dealbreaker in the first place.
It ultimately questions what you value to the core, and what you cannot live with (or without).
So that being said, I had thought recently about dealbreakers and what I really wouldn't budge on (not that I have suitors lined up to be rejected, because I don't - but just in terms of guarding your heart and not letting feelings or circumstances dictate a path to inevitable emotional wreckage...haha I don't know why I like that phrase so much, it's kind of depressing). I had come up with a pretty concrete list, which was only 2 real dealbreakers long, and perhaps 3 strong preferences.
But sometimes I wonder...
As I get older, I realize that the long list of "requirements" that I once had as a teenager or in college - you know, the list you rattle off when someone asks you what you look for in a potential significant other - has gotten shorter and shorter. Then again, with how specific it was back then, it's not like it could've gotten any longer. =)
And perhaps it is, as some say, a function of getting "more desperate" as the years tick by....but actually, I think it's related to a couple factors:
1) As you get older, you learn more of who you actually are.
In the massive identity crisis that is college, and the even more massive one that hits right after you graduate - you don't always know what's best for you and what you need. Who am I, really? And where am I going? What do I really care about, what are my top priorities, what do I value deep down inside?
I think that the more aware you are of yourself, the more aware you get of what type of person would be compatible with you and that you could live with. So the list that you made when you were 15, vs. the list at 20, vs. the list at 25, are quite possibly going to be different. Perhaps very different. But I don't think it's necessarily because your tastes change...I think it's a growing awareness of what they ARE.
2) As you get older, you realize the difference between preferences and dealbreakers, and toe the line between what you can and cannot live with.
In college, we used to play this game called "perfect in every way, but..." I actually think it was instigated by our very own staffworker, JC. So the point of the game was to go around the circle and share that one characteristic about someone, that if they were perfect in every way, but had one attribute that you couldn't stand, you just couldn't be with them. ie. what are your dealbreakers? (We were playing at a retreat once, and someone said "webbed feet" for theirs...man, some people think of everything!)
I think it's valuable to have an idea of what your dealbreakers are, particularly when in a state of singleness. Because forget it, when emotions and idealism hit - there's little hope of being rational. I've seen too many people fall head over heels for the wrong person, and pay the price of digging themselves out of emotional wreckage later, after becoming attached and dependent upon them.
The funny thing is, sometimes you find out dealbreakers by being in relationships, and realizing that there are some things you just can't compromise or accept. Other times, you have what you consider to be dealbreakers, and then when that special someone comes along who is "perfect in every other way"...you question whether that was really a dealbreaker in the first place.
It ultimately questions what you value to the core, and what you cannot live with (or without).
So that being said, I had thought recently about dealbreakers and what I really wouldn't budge on (not that I have suitors lined up to be rejected, because I don't - but just in terms of guarding your heart and not letting feelings or circumstances dictate a path to inevitable emotional wreckage...haha I don't know why I like that phrase so much, it's kind of depressing). I had come up with a pretty concrete list, which was only 2 real dealbreakers long, and perhaps 3 strong preferences.
But sometimes I wonder...
Thursday, June 22, 2006
superficialness
here we go, yo. game 3 goes down tomorrow...
my dad and i had an interesting conversation the other day about korean athletes. speaking *purely superficially* - i find it amazing that for how athletic and fit these guys are...they're not terribly attractive. and perhaps it's because i just can't stand long hair that the craze over ahn jung hwan never reached me. however, when my dad asked me who i thought was the best-looking korean soccer player, i was a bit lost. i mean, i have a favorite player. (guess who it is and i'll give you twinkie). but best looking? that's tough.
it made me think back to every international tournament i've gone to. someone on my team would inevitably (after finding out my tastes) tell me i should check out the guys on the korean team. and every year i'm thinking...are you kidding? i mean, whatever, this is all completely superficial and it's not like i'm the hottest thing around either, but just for argument's sake.
that being said, the world cup continues to convince me that soccer players are the most athletic of all athletes. there are sports that require you to have endurance - marathons, swimming, basketball, hockey.... There are sports that require some sort of crazy skill - archery, the "field" part of track and field... Then there are those that require speed, like skating and track... or strength, like weightlifting and wrestling... jumps, like pole vaulting and volleyball...
But soccer players - they have it all. These guys run forever, and run fast. They have footwork. They have fancy coordination. They have the jumps. They're conditioned to take blows and collisions and get up again. They slide, they jump, they throw themselves everywhere. They have teamwork.
They've got it all. It's crazy. eh, looks are just looks - people become more or less attractive as time goes on. but i have to say, it's pretty darn studly when they can play well. (there's your hint to who my favorite player is...)
my silly dad. i think it was just his sneaky way of trying to figure out what type of person i find attractive. perhaps he's getting desperate and i'm going to find some mail soon with pictures of old doctors.
my dad and i had an interesting conversation the other day about korean athletes. speaking *purely superficially* - i find it amazing that for how athletic and fit these guys are...they're not terribly attractive. and perhaps it's because i just can't stand long hair that the craze over ahn jung hwan never reached me. however, when my dad asked me who i thought was the best-looking korean soccer player, i was a bit lost. i mean, i have a favorite player. (guess who it is and i'll give you twinkie). but best looking? that's tough.
it made me think back to every international tournament i've gone to. someone on my team would inevitably (after finding out my tastes) tell me i should check out the guys on the korean team. and every year i'm thinking...are you kidding? i mean, whatever, this is all completely superficial and it's not like i'm the hottest thing around either, but just for argument's sake.
that being said, the world cup continues to convince me that soccer players are the most athletic of all athletes. there are sports that require you to have endurance - marathons, swimming, basketball, hockey.... There are sports that require some sort of crazy skill - archery, the "field" part of track and field... Then there are those that require speed, like skating and track... or strength, like weightlifting and wrestling... jumps, like pole vaulting and volleyball...
But soccer players - they have it all. These guys run forever, and run fast. They have footwork. They have fancy coordination. They have the jumps. They're conditioned to take blows and collisions and get up again. They slide, they jump, they throw themselves everywhere. They have teamwork.
They've got it all. It's crazy. eh, looks are just looks - people become more or less attractive as time goes on. but i have to say, it's pretty darn studly when they can play well. (there's your hint to who my favorite player is...)
my silly dad. i think it was just his sneaky way of trying to figure out what type of person i find attractive. perhaps he's getting desperate and i'm going to find some mail soon with pictures of old doctors.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
peeve redeemed
For those who know me well (and took that silly AIM quiz thingy a few years ago) - you'll know that my #1 pet peeve of all time is customer service people who are mean, incompetant, or otherwise don't serve you.
I've expounded upon this topic many a time - pretty much every time I've had to deal with people from airlines, credit cards, technical support...
Well, I stand corrected. I just switched phone providers from T-Mobile to Verizon, and I had the most pleasant customer service experiences in the last 3 times I've called. Once, I'd be pleased. Twice, surprised. Three times, I'm amazed.
I find it sad that I just assume that I'm going to have to wait on hold for at least 20 minutes, and fight with customer service to get what I need. Verizon has, at least for the time being, renewed my sense of faith that there are actually people out there who are paid to be nice to me.
Wait...that doesn't sound right...
I've expounded upon this topic many a time - pretty much every time I've had to deal with people from airlines, credit cards, technical support...
Well, I stand corrected. I just switched phone providers from T-Mobile to Verizon, and I had the most pleasant customer service experiences in the last 3 times I've called. Once, I'd be pleased. Twice, surprised. Three times, I'm amazed.
I find it sad that I just assume that I'm going to have to wait on hold for at least 20 minutes, and fight with customer service to get what I need. Verizon has, at least for the time being, renewed my sense of faith that there are actually people out there who are paid to be nice to me.
Wait...that doesn't sound right...
Monday, June 19, 2006
identity crisis - part 1
It's funny how Koreans will rally around soccer. Even the twinkiest of Twinkies will don the red shirts, whip out the thunderstix, and do the cheer. And for those of us who are superfobs (or I suppose imposter superfobs such as myself) - it's a month of exhiliration in rallying around an intense spirit that's just contagious.
That's what I think is missing from American culture - pride in our country. I'd venture to say that out of all the people in the US watching the World Cup - the majority are rooting for another country. And if you're Hispanic, forget it - you've either got your own country or you're defaulting to Brazil. I don't know the name of a single player on the American team. And I couldn't tell you which bracket they're in or what their chances are of advancing. I only know of Beckham because of the movie "Bend it like Beckham". (He's British, not American)
I think it's a byproduct of the "melting pot" and attempting to hold onto our heritage. Where do you stop being [insert your ethnicity here] and start being "American"? Whenever a Korean refers to Korea, they call it 우리 나라 - "our country". I noticed that the last time I was there - my 7 year old cousin was curious as to the differences between Korea and America. I would say "in America we do it this way" and she would say "in our country, we do it that way". What do most Americans refer to the country as? "The U.S.". Which inherently stands for United STATES. I think that we tend to have more pride for the state that we come from (talk to any Californian about that one) than for the country as a whole.
Perhaps it's a function of sheer size, perhaps it's the fact that our identity is in being all identities - which isn't a bad thing. And of course soccer gets the shaft here because of the far more publicized and commercialized sports like basketball. But I just thought it was interesting as I stood in the crazy crowd in K-town for the first game, and in a crowded apt of friends the second. That something like soccer would bring out hidden roots into our heritage, loyalty and pride to a country that most of us have never lived in.
Then again, I'm that kid whose parents got her to embrace Korean culture by buying me kpop CD's and watching miniseries and gameshows. =)
That's what I think is missing from American culture - pride in our country. I'd venture to say that out of all the people in the US watching the World Cup - the majority are rooting for another country. And if you're Hispanic, forget it - you've either got your own country or you're defaulting to Brazil. I don't know the name of a single player on the American team. And I couldn't tell you which bracket they're in or what their chances are of advancing. I only know of Beckham because of the movie "Bend it like Beckham". (He's British, not American)
I think it's a byproduct of the "melting pot" and attempting to hold onto our heritage. Where do you stop being [insert your ethnicity here] and start being "American"? Whenever a Korean refers to Korea, they call it 우리 나라 - "our country". I noticed that the last time I was there - my 7 year old cousin was curious as to the differences between Korea and America. I would say "in America we do it this way" and she would say "in our country, we do it that way". What do most Americans refer to the country as? "The U.S.". Which inherently stands for United STATES. I think that we tend to have more pride for the state that we come from (talk to any Californian about that one) than for the country as a whole.
Perhaps it's a function of sheer size, perhaps it's the fact that our identity is in being all identities - which isn't a bad thing. And of course soccer gets the shaft here because of the far more publicized and commercialized sports like basketball. But I just thought it was interesting as I stood in the crazy crowd in K-town for the first game, and in a crowded apt of friends the second. That something like soccer would bring out hidden roots into our heritage, loyalty and pride to a country that most of us have never lived in.
Then again, I'm that kid whose parents got her to embrace Korean culture by buying me kpop CD's and watching miniseries and gameshows. =)
Sunday, June 18, 2006
do or die
On Saturday, I went to Bear Mountain on the "RWC Hiking Extravaganza", aptly named by our fearless leader, JP.
For some reason, I tend to learn a lot about myself on hiking trips. I think it's when you're face to face with nature, with danger (real or perceived), and with quick decision-making with immediate consequences - your character (or others') becomes transparent.
For example - I'm a girl. There is no denying it. Underneath whatever tough facade people will assign to me, underneath however strong I may try to be - I really really dislike bugs. There. I admit it. Let s/he who didn't recoil at the prospect of grabbing a tree trunk crawling with hairy caterpillars cast the first stone.
On the initial trek up, we got off the trail, and had to forage through the unknown (yes, I'm being dramatic, but isn't it more entertaining this way?) - and since we weren't on the actual trail, we spent quite a bit of time going up rocky, leafy, slippery areas to make our way in the general direction of "up". There were a couple points where you had to just use your hands to get balance as you climbed up areas without steady grip for your feet. At one point, I was trying to get my feet to push off and make a jump up to grab a tree trunk slightly above me. As I jumped, I looked at my target - and it had hairy caterpillars all over it.
At which point I promptly let out a shriek which I can only be embarassed for. I think I managed to adjust and reach for a branch of that trunk, and otherwise scramble myself upwards - but I almost grabbed straight for squishing the caterpillars with my hands. They were hairy. *ick* However, I was slightly validated when JW told me she would have done the same had I not warned her to look first - but insight #1 into myself: at my core I'm a girl who's afraid of bugs.
Insight #2 - sometimes there is more than one way to get past an obstacle. There were certain points at which we got stuck, and stood there looking at different options of how to proceed. One path looked narrow and slippery, another path involved some steep rock. One way was through bushes and unknown plants, another through some gravel that appeared to give away. Some people went one way, some went another - but we all made it to the same place. Looking back, it made me think about how we make the little choices, and how some are more important than others.
Insight #3 - You can't think too much. Calculating probabilities and weighing risks is generally a good thing in making decisions. However, I noticed when you're stuck (perhaps literally) between a rock and a hard place - there may not be a clear-cut "right" decision. At one point during the "uncharted" part of our hike, I looked down and realized that there was no way that we were going to just be able to go back the way we came without slipping and sliding to an inevitable accident. It was then that I realized that there was no way to back out - there was no "safety". It turns out that sometimes, it doesn't matter which decision you make, so long as you stick with it and just go. When ground isn't steady beneath you feet, it's not really the right time to second-guess the other path, or try to steady yourself - if that gravel is falling away, then there's nothing to do but scramble (and hope that whatever you're grabbing for doesn't have hairy caterpillars all over it).
That's actually something I was thinking about during tape analysis recently, and during the World Cup game today. When is it better to be strategic, and at which point is it better to chuck it and just go?
A happy-go-lucky hiking trip induces heavy questions...haha. In any event, here's the group at the top of the mountain =) Thanks JP for organizing a great trip, and drivers for ... driving! =)
For some reason, I tend to learn a lot about myself on hiking trips. I think it's when you're face to face with nature, with danger (real or perceived), and with quick decision-making with immediate consequences - your character (or others') becomes transparent.
For example - I'm a girl. There is no denying it. Underneath whatever tough facade people will assign to me, underneath however strong I may try to be - I really really dislike bugs. There. I admit it. Let s/he who didn't recoil at the prospect of grabbing a tree trunk crawling with hairy caterpillars cast the first stone.
On the initial trek up, we got off the trail, and had to forage through the unknown (yes, I'm being dramatic, but isn't it more entertaining this way?) - and since we weren't on the actual trail, we spent quite a bit of time going up rocky, leafy, slippery areas to make our way in the general direction of "up". There were a couple points where you had to just use your hands to get balance as you climbed up areas without steady grip for your feet. At one point, I was trying to get my feet to push off and make a jump up to grab a tree trunk slightly above me. As I jumped, I looked at my target - and it had hairy caterpillars all over it.
At which point I promptly let out a shriek which I can only be embarassed for. I think I managed to adjust and reach for a branch of that trunk, and otherwise scramble myself upwards - but I almost grabbed straight for squishing the caterpillars with my hands. They were hairy. *ick* However, I was slightly validated when JW told me she would have done the same had I not warned her to look first - but insight #1 into myself: at my core I'm a girl who's afraid of bugs.
Insight #2 - sometimes there is more than one way to get past an obstacle. There were certain points at which we got stuck, and stood there looking at different options of how to proceed. One path looked narrow and slippery, another path involved some steep rock. One way was through bushes and unknown plants, another through some gravel that appeared to give away. Some people went one way, some went another - but we all made it to the same place. Looking back, it made me think about how we make the little choices, and how some are more important than others.
Insight #3 - You can't think too much. Calculating probabilities and weighing risks is generally a good thing in making decisions. However, I noticed when you're stuck (perhaps literally) between a rock and a hard place - there may not be a clear-cut "right" decision. At one point during the "uncharted" part of our hike, I looked down and realized that there was no way that we were going to just be able to go back the way we came without slipping and sliding to an inevitable accident. It was then that I realized that there was no way to back out - there was no "safety". It turns out that sometimes, it doesn't matter which decision you make, so long as you stick with it and just go. When ground isn't steady beneath you feet, it's not really the right time to second-guess the other path, or try to steady yourself - if that gravel is falling away, then there's nothing to do but scramble (and hope that whatever you're grabbing for doesn't have hairy caterpillars all over it).
That's actually something I was thinking about during tape analysis recently, and during the World Cup game today. When is it better to be strategic, and at which point is it better to chuck it and just go?
A happy-go-lucky hiking trip induces heavy questions...haha. In any event, here's the group at the top of the mountain =) Thanks JP for organizing a great trip, and drivers for ... driving! =)
Friday, June 16, 2006
Forgiveness is a difficult thing. It's difficult enough to forgive someone who has asked for forgiveness - to truly forgive, forget, and move forwards. But far more difficult than that is to forgive someone who is unrepentant - one who claims that how they hurt you was an intentional decision, one who insists that it was the right thing to do, one who may see when they make mistakes, but will never admit to them.
Sometimes you have to forgive for yourself - because in the end, when they don't care, it only affects you. I find it hard to believe that what I'm supposed to take away from all of this is that no one cares about you but yourself. That is far too cynical for me to believe.
What makes a good coach? I think a good coach is someone who believes in you - always. No matter what. A great coach is one who can transfer that belief to you and make you believe in yourself. No matter how great you are, you have to win the respect and trust of your players. I've seen it from both sides, and I think it's absolutely true.
There is only one person who really knows me - in my strengths, my weaknesses, and everything in between - who I feel believes in me 100%. And I'm losing him. The only person who really stuck by me and understood me here.
Perhaps I am underestimating God, but I find myself asking "is this it? after all that - is this how it ends?" Sometimes you look challenges in the face - and just don't have any more strength. Sometimes you wonder who is really on your team. Because a team of one will inevitably lose.
Sometimes you have to forgive for yourself - because in the end, when they don't care, it only affects you. I find it hard to believe that what I'm supposed to take away from all of this is that no one cares about you but yourself. That is far too cynical for me to believe.
What makes a good coach? I think a good coach is someone who believes in you - always. No matter what. A great coach is one who can transfer that belief to you and make you believe in yourself. No matter how great you are, you have to win the respect and trust of your players. I've seen it from both sides, and I think it's absolutely true.
There is only one person who really knows me - in my strengths, my weaknesses, and everything in between - who I feel believes in me 100%. And I'm losing him. The only person who really stuck by me and understood me here.
Perhaps I am underestimating God, but I find myself asking "is this it? after all that - is this how it ends?" Sometimes you look challenges in the face - and just don't have any more strength. Sometimes you wonder who is really on your team. Because a team of one will inevitably lose.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
harold and kumar
When it came out in theaters, I was actually going to go see it. Most of my friends thought it was hilarious. Then again, most of my friends don't like the same movies I do. I have been known to find certain movies in the genre of "stupid movies" to be amusing - Zoolander, Dumb and Dumber...movies of the like. Stupid. But amusing. But as with classic sparky style - I didn't make it to the theater. So when my cousin lent it to me a couple weeks ago, I figured it was time.
Overlooking the nasty crude stuff, I thought the movie had some substance on racial issues, and touched on some classic aspects of Asian American life. OK, Asian clubs at colleges aren't quite so dorky...but Korean mothers DO have a tendency to make kimchee chigae and bulgogi in bulk...and white people must groan internally (or externally) when they realize they have to share a dorm kitchen with Koreans. I remember in my dorm (which, being all-female, was predominantly Asian) all the kimchee-esque containers went into one fridge. Poor white girls either learned to love it or steer clear...
No but seriously - as misguided as the quest was, it was a wake-up call for this guy to live his life. That in the course of absurdities, mishaps, and lucky breaks, he progresses from being passive, to passive-aggressive, to standing up for himself and not being afraid of going after what (or who, as the case may be) he wants. In a dutiful culture where you do what your authorities say, aim for success as it has been defined for you your whole life, and sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice...he got to a point where he realized what really mattered to him.
It made me think. Then again, maybe it was just meant to be another stupid movie and I'm reading too much into it...=)
Overlooking the nasty crude stuff, I thought the movie had some substance on racial issues, and touched on some classic aspects of Asian American life. OK, Asian clubs at colleges aren't quite so dorky...but Korean mothers DO have a tendency to make kimchee chigae and bulgogi in bulk...and white people must groan internally (or externally) when they realize they have to share a dorm kitchen with Koreans. I remember in my dorm (which, being all-female, was predominantly Asian) all the kimchee-esque containers went into one fridge. Poor white girls either learned to love it or steer clear...
No but seriously - as misguided as the quest was, it was a wake-up call for this guy to live his life. That in the course of absurdities, mishaps, and lucky breaks, he progresses from being passive, to passive-aggressive, to standing up for himself and not being afraid of going after what (or who, as the case may be) he wants. In a dutiful culture where you do what your authorities say, aim for success as it has been defined for you your whole life, and sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice...he got to a point where he realized what really mattered to him.
It made me think. Then again, maybe it was just meant to be another stupid movie and I'm reading too much into it...=)
How would you interpret this statement?
"We know you better than you THINK we do. And everything we do has a purpose. Manipulative, maybe, but with a purpose."
Well that wasn't verbatim, but I don't remember. *sigh* I thought I'd at least be dating before relationships got this hard.
How do you know when to leave someone? How do you know what will last and when to stick it out? Where is the fine line between trust and standing up for yourself?
"We know you better than you THINK we do. And everything we do has a purpose. Manipulative, maybe, but with a purpose."
Well that wasn't verbatim, but I don't remember. *sigh* I thought I'd at least be dating before relationships got this hard.
How do you know when to leave someone? How do you know what will last and when to stick it out? Where is the fine line between trust and standing up for yourself?
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
delinquent
I played hooky this morning, and my coworker and I snuck out of the office to go to ktown and watch the Korea vs. Togo soccer game on the big screen.
It was CRAZY. Where did all these people come from, and why aren't they working or in school? (Yes, I became a halmo before my time...) The police came and barricaded us to the sidewalks because people were blocking traffic in the streets.
I have to say, it was quite the experience - being there in a crowd of Koreans when that free shot was made and instinctively cheering with everyone else. No one cheers like my people.
The only downside was that my people freaking chain smoke. Every other person pulled out a cigarette, and we were packed so closely together that it's like, why are you breathing all my clean air and leaving it polluted for me? Perhaps I'm being selfish with my air, but...stop stealing it!
I don't know what we're going to do next week, when the game is at 3pm and our boss isn't overseas (in Korea, no less) - but we'll figure it out.
대~한민국!
It was CRAZY. Where did all these people come from, and why aren't they working or in school? (Yes, I became a halmo before my time...) The police came and barricaded us to the sidewalks because people were blocking traffic in the streets.
I have to say, it was quite the experience - being there in a crowd of Koreans when that free shot was made and instinctively cheering with everyone else. No one cheers like my people.
The only downside was that my people freaking chain smoke. Every other person pulled out a cigarette, and we were packed so closely together that it's like, why are you breathing all my clean air and leaving it polluted for me? Perhaps I'm being selfish with my air, but...stop stealing it!
I don't know what we're going to do next week, when the game is at 3pm and our boss isn't overseas (in Korea, no less) - but we'll figure it out.
대~한민국!
Monday, June 12, 2006
conversations
Some lively discussions this weekend.
1) "Have you read Wild at Heart?"
"Yeah, I hated it."
"WHAT?!?!?"
JDA's reation was so funny...particularly because most of the guys I know are so quick to defend it, and she's the only other girl I know who's read it. I find it interesting that men either love or hate that book - I've only gotten extreme reviews.
2) "You can tell me you're fasting, it's not like I'm going to steal your treasures in heaven!"
I found this phrase hilarious. I don't know why. (What ARE treasures in heaven, exactly?)
3) "You've got to get back on that horse"
"I was never ON the horse to get BACK on it"
"OK, you need to get a gun, go shoot a horse, a superglue your butt to it and ride off into the sunset".
Being a visual thinker is really funny sometimes...
1) "Have you read Wild at Heart?"
"Yeah, I hated it."
"WHAT?!?!?"
JDA's reation was so funny...particularly because most of the guys I know are so quick to defend it, and she's the only other girl I know who's read it. I find it interesting that men either love or hate that book - I've only gotten extreme reviews.
2) "You can tell me you're fasting, it's not like I'm going to steal your treasures in heaven!"
I found this phrase hilarious. I don't know why. (What ARE treasures in heaven, exactly?)
3) "You've got to get back on that horse"
"I was never ON the horse to get BACK on it"
"OK, you need to get a gun, go shoot a horse, a superglue your butt to it and ride off into the sunset".
Being a visual thinker is really funny sometimes...
Sunday, June 11, 2006
This was a weekend of doing things I never thought I'd do:
1) Being at the dojang for a sum total of 7 hours and not working out. Ever since my lapse last Thursday, I've been diligent to not letting myself work out. 23 days down, 18 to go until re-evaluation. By the end I'm either going to be dying of boredom and slothfulness, or learned to enjoy being a normal person and never go back.
2) Sat night I trekked down to the East Village to hang out with JAAC. Good gosh it's FAR. I've never known anywhere but the UWS (upper west side), and was always perfectly content staying on the 123 lines (ie. never going below k-town). But I must say, there is good food to be had down there (despite the neighborhood not being quiet and benign as up here).
Speaking of which, my take on alcoholic beverages - I had a sip of whatever raspberry something something he ordered. And I was thinking, this would taste better if I could get it with more raspberry and less vodka. So it was probably a drinking faux pas, but that's what I asked the lady for. Though I have to say...it would have tasted better if there was ALL raspberry and NO vodka. I guess I should just order juice next time...
3) I watched "Harold and Kumar" for the first time - and overall I think I even liked it. Well, minus all the crude nasty stuff (which I guess made up most of it). But in the genre of stupid movies, it had its moments. His Korean accent sounded ... not really Korean, though.
4) I did 3 loads of laundry. Since I've moved to NY, I've done laundry every 2 weeks, and never done less than 5 loads at a time. This whole not working out thing
1) Being at the dojang for a sum total of 7 hours and not working out. Ever since my lapse last Thursday, I've been diligent to not letting myself work out. 23 days down, 18 to go until re-evaluation. By the end I'm either going to be dying of boredom and slothfulness, or learned to enjoy being a normal person and never go back.
2) Sat night I trekked down to the East Village to hang out with JAAC. Good gosh it's FAR. I've never known anywhere but the UWS (upper west side), and was always perfectly content staying on the 123 lines (ie. never going below k-town). But I must say, there is good food to be had down there (despite the neighborhood not being quiet and benign as up here).
Speaking of which, my take on alcoholic beverages - I had a sip of whatever raspberry something something he ordered. And I was thinking, this would taste better if I could get it with more raspberry and less vodka. So it was probably a drinking faux pas, but that's what I asked the lady for. Though I have to say...it would have tasted better if there was ALL raspberry and NO vodka. I guess I should just order juice next time...
3) I watched "Harold and Kumar" for the first time - and overall I think I even liked it. Well, minus all the crude nasty stuff (which I guess made up most of it). But in the genre of stupid movies, it had its moments. His Korean accent sounded ... not really Korean, though.
4) I did 3 loads of laundry. Since I've moved to NY, I've done laundry every 2 weeks, and never done less than 5 loads at a time. This whole not working out thing
Saturday, June 10, 2006
chest pains
I had a heart attack today. You know when you have that brief moment of realization that you've made a very big, irreversible mistake with dire consequences? When air stops passing through your lungs and you have to tell yourself to breathe again?
That was me today.
So my boss is leaving for Korea this weekend for a coordination meeting for our next submission. Which meant that ALL the mechanical drawings had to be updated and all the calculations checked and confirmed. On top of that, my boss was moving from his corner cube to an office today - 20 something years of built up papers all had to be sorted, tossed, and transported to the new location. Luckily (or unluckily) I was not the one to clean out his crap - I was too busy going through file after file, making the same changes over and over again.
So all this haste led me to around 2pm, when he finally told me to give up and just get MIS (the computer people) to make all the files we had into a CD for him to take. So I create a "CD" folder on the network, and proceed to dump all of our mechanical files into it. I get an error message that some files couldn't be moved because someone had them open.
So then I run around, trying to figure out who in my zoo of coworkers left files open. I forgot which exactly they were, so I decided to just wipe the "CD" folder and re-copy the files over, all at once. Had to make sure I didn't miss anything. So I cleared out the folder. Went back to the original directory...
It was empty. EMPTY. In one fell swoop of the mouse, I had just deleted EVERY mechanical file we had on this project.
This is where my heart stopped.
After something unintelligible came out of my mouth (something like "this-is-bad-this-is-very-very-baaaaaaaaad") I immediately picked up my phone and called MIS and frantically told what had happened, with a desperate plea if they could recover the files in some sort of backup process.
At that moment, my boss comes by and decides to hover over my shoulder and ask me if the CD was done yet. He kept insisting that he needed it ASAP, while I tried to wave him off - hello, there are currently NO files to save.
Luckily, they back up the system periodically. Unfortunately, the best they could do were the files from 2 hours ago - so all my work after lunch was gone. But far be it for me to complain - at least the blood was pumping through my heart again.
My coworkers that sit on my left and right were very amused by this whole incident and my reactions to it.
That was me today.
So my boss is leaving for Korea this weekend for a coordination meeting for our next submission. Which meant that ALL the mechanical drawings had to be updated and all the calculations checked and confirmed. On top of that, my boss was moving from his corner cube to an office today - 20 something years of built up papers all had to be sorted, tossed, and transported to the new location. Luckily (or unluckily) I was not the one to clean out his crap - I was too busy going through file after file, making the same changes over and over again.
So all this haste led me to around 2pm, when he finally told me to give up and just get MIS (the computer people) to make all the files we had into a CD for him to take. So I create a "CD" folder on the network, and proceed to dump all of our mechanical files into it. I get an error message that some files couldn't be moved because someone had them open.
So then I run around, trying to figure out who in my zoo of coworkers left files open. I forgot which exactly they were, so I decided to just wipe the "CD" folder and re-copy the files over, all at once. Had to make sure I didn't miss anything. So I cleared out the folder. Went back to the original directory...
It was empty. EMPTY. In one fell swoop of the mouse, I had just deleted EVERY mechanical file we had on this project.
This is where my heart stopped.
After something unintelligible came out of my mouth (something like "this-is-bad-this-is-very-very-baaaaaaaaad") I immediately picked up my phone and called MIS and frantically told what had happened, with a desperate plea if they could recover the files in some sort of backup process.
At that moment, my boss comes by and decides to hover over my shoulder and ask me if the CD was done yet. He kept insisting that he needed it ASAP, while I tried to wave him off - hello, there are currently NO files to save.
Luckily, they back up the system periodically. Unfortunately, the best they could do were the files from 2 hours ago - so all my work after lunch was gone. But far be it for me to complain - at least the blood was pumping through my heart again.
My coworkers that sit on my left and right were very amused by this whole incident and my reactions to it.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
I caved
I have no self-control. I'm a weak, weak person. I was so good for 3 weeks, and now this.
That's the thing about temptation - you can't put yourself in the midst of it. Perhaps it was my mistake, being at the dojang right when sparring class was about to begin, with both Sabs there and egging me to work out. Well, then again I've never been able to say no to them when they want me to work out, especially when I've been benched for the last 3 weeks. I have 3 more weeks left of my "rest" period, but it's as if I can feel my metabolism slowing, minute by minute.
Well, despite myself, I had a good time. I didn't really get to work out hard, but just being able to move around, kick and punch a little bit, and rekindle old rivalries gave me a little taste of why I loved doing this in the first place.
I feel my toe stiffening already...*sigh* With 3 different prescriptions and seeing physical therapists and hand therapists 5 days a week, you'd think stuff would heal a little bit FASTER. But no...my body is taking its own sweet time. Prayer really is the only way accelerate healing...
That's the thing about temptation - you can't put yourself in the midst of it. Perhaps it was my mistake, being at the dojang right when sparring class was about to begin, with both Sabs there and egging me to work out. Well, then again I've never been able to say no to them when they want me to work out, especially when I've been benched for the last 3 weeks. I have 3 more weeks left of my "rest" period, but it's as if I can feel my metabolism slowing, minute by minute.
Well, despite myself, I had a good time. I didn't really get to work out hard, but just being able to move around, kick and punch a little bit, and rekindle old rivalries gave me a little taste of why I loved doing this in the first place.
I feel my toe stiffening already...*sigh* With 3 different prescriptions and seeing physical therapists and hand therapists 5 days a week, you'd think stuff would heal a little bit FASTER. But no...my body is taking its own sweet time. Prayer really is the only way accelerate healing...
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
clean
My apartment is so clean, it's amazing. I used to think I was organized, until I met Terri...
actually no, I used to think I was organized before I moved to NY. Walking around in my newly cleaned apartment, I realize I've been living in filth.
A few weeks ago I was thinking I missed the offering service for missions offerings, so perhaps God was compelling me to give. Around then, also thinking that I'm never home enough to clean my apartment and I've really let it go to pot...that perhaps against my principles of turning into another New Yorker who can't do things for myself, I should just bite the bullet and hire a cleaning lady.
When suddenly an announcement came out in the church bulletin one Sunday:
Missions Fundraising - Moving & Cleaning Service
The Peru and Japan missions teams are offering moving services for people moving out of dorms and apartments until June 11th.
God's timing truly is perfect...haha. So tonight the Japan missions team came by and did a crazy whirlwind of cleaning on my apt. It was a really fun time to get to know them - they're cool people! So if I may make a plug...support the missions teams and "hire" them to clean your apartment!
actually no, I used to think I was organized before I moved to NY. Walking around in my newly cleaned apartment, I realize I've been living in filth.
A few weeks ago I was thinking I missed the offering service for missions offerings, so perhaps God was compelling me to give. Around then, also thinking that I'm never home enough to clean my apartment and I've really let it go to pot...that perhaps against my principles of turning into another New Yorker who can't do things for myself, I should just bite the bullet and hire a cleaning lady.
When suddenly an announcement came out in the church bulletin one Sunday:
Missions Fundraising - Moving & Cleaning Service
The Peru and Japan missions teams are offering moving services for people moving out of dorms and apartments until June 11th.
God's timing truly is perfect...haha. So tonight the Japan missions team came by and did a crazy whirlwind of cleaning on my apt. It was a really fun time to get to know them - they're cool people! So if I may make a plug...support the missions teams and "hire" them to clean your apartment!
Sunday, June 04, 2006
rat race
I was in BN Saturday and just browsing through the books on one of the fiction tables, reading the backs. I typically don't buy books at BN because they're never on sale (speaking of which - when did books get so expensive??)...but one of the summaries caught my attention:
"When turbocharged Park Avenue mom find that she's been downsized from her platinum-card corporate job and her marriage, she swiftly realizes that she's going to need a whole new way to support herself and her two private-school daughters. So she dreams up a new business - helping upscale New Yorkers get their little darlings into the most exclusive kindergartens in the city. What begins as one woman's bid to earn a living becomes an everywoman's tale of midlife reinvention and unexpected romance, set in a looking-glass world where even tots have resumes."
As opposed I am of paying $14 for a paperback book...I just had to get it. It's like someone wrote a book about my life. Well, without the midlife crisis, without the kids, without the romance...hrmm OK fine. Someone just wrote a story about the rat race that is the NY education system. But for all the sarcasm in it...it's so true.
Rich Manhattan people are crazy. The tuition for these private schools that start from kindergarten are comparable to what people pay for college. Imagine paying upwards of $25,000 a year, per kid, for 13 years. Forget sponsoring a child, you could sponsor a small third-world country.
In my experience tutoring, I've met all sorts of families.
"He's in his room, you can take the elevator up to the 5th floor" - meaning, they have a gorgeous elevator INSIDE their gorgeous 6 story brownstone. Each kid has their own floor. His room is bigger than my entire apartment. And he's 13.
A kid bursting into tears and wailing "you mean I lost my VERY FIRST MOLAR and I'm NOT GOING TO GET A PRESENT???" (followed by more wailing, which instantly stopped when the mother acquiesed and said she would get a present - think Dudley from HP).
Overall, I really like my students, though some of them just astound me sometimes. Like tonight, I met with a new student, who basically needs firefighting miracle work...it's 3 weeks to the end of the term and he was completely lost. I got the suspicion that he wanted me to just do his work for him.
Seriously though...it's a rat race. And if you don't have your kid in a crazy private school with crazy private tutors...it's like you're already steps behind. Crazy...
"When turbocharged Park Avenue mom find that she's been downsized from her platinum-card corporate job and her marriage, she swiftly realizes that she's going to need a whole new way to support herself and her two private-school daughters. So she dreams up a new business - helping upscale New Yorkers get their little darlings into the most exclusive kindergartens in the city. What begins as one woman's bid to earn a living becomes an everywoman's tale of midlife reinvention and unexpected romance, set in a looking-glass world where even tots have resumes."
As opposed I am of paying $14 for a paperback book...I just had to get it. It's like someone wrote a book about my life. Well, without the midlife crisis, without the kids, without the romance...hrmm OK fine. Someone just wrote a story about the rat race that is the NY education system. But for all the sarcasm in it...it's so true.
Rich Manhattan people are crazy. The tuition for these private schools that start from kindergarten are comparable to what people pay for college. Imagine paying upwards of $25,000 a year, per kid, for 13 years. Forget sponsoring a child, you could sponsor a small third-world country.
In my experience tutoring, I've met all sorts of families.
"He's in his room, you can take the elevator up to the 5th floor" - meaning, they have a gorgeous elevator INSIDE their gorgeous 6 story brownstone. Each kid has their own floor. His room is bigger than my entire apartment. And he's 13.
A kid bursting into tears and wailing "you mean I lost my VERY FIRST MOLAR and I'm NOT GOING TO GET A PRESENT???" (followed by more wailing, which instantly stopped when the mother acquiesed and said she would get a present - think Dudley from HP).
Overall, I really like my students, though some of them just astound me sometimes. Like tonight, I met with a new student, who basically needs firefighting miracle work...it's 3 weeks to the end of the term and he was completely lost. I got the suspicion that he wanted me to just do his work for him.
Seriously though...it's a rat race. And if you don't have your kid in a crazy private school with crazy private tutors...it's like you're already steps behind. Crazy...
changes
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I think it is very hard for me to just let things be when I know that they could be better. But as time goes on, I realize that you can't change things when you're not in a position to implement change. In the case of teaching, it actually hurts me to see people not able to do things correctly because of glitches in the system. So what do you do when you're not in a position to make decisions, but you're so closely tied that you have to deal with the results of a flawed system? Not entirely flawed, of course - on the whole quite good - but when there are things that could obviously be better.
After getting myself in trouble for stepping on egos and speaking my mind, I decided that it wasn't worth talking when no one was listening. So one year ago exactly, I resolved to step away from the dojang as a whole, and put my energies into focusing on my private students and anyone else in my classes who would want to work hard and learn things properly.
Perhaps it's taken a whole year, but I derived some satisifaction from this test because you could start to see the difference. Not to be conceited because it's not necessarily because my teaching is so much better than everyone else's. I think that we have many fine instructors, and should any of them choose to be a regular presence and really make personal investments and give serious thought to teaching, our students would be spectacular. But rather than fighting the uphill battle to implement changes from top down, the method of bottom up is starting to show that it works. Perhaps those on top will be too stubborn or blind to see the connection, but these kids that shined today are examples of what the changes and standards I proposed last year could do. So while it's hard to sit by and see problems and solutions and be powerless to make a difference across the board...I suppose I should be happy in knowing that you can still make a difference, one student at a time.
Promotion tests are probably the days I dislike the most. Well, it's more of a love-hate thing, because I deep down I really care about them - but it's precisely because I care so much that it just frustrates me to watch bad technique or (worse) - kids who don't care or don't try. I have very little patience for people who want recognition for things they don't deserve, and seeing the holes in the fabric that could be mended (but are not).
On a side note, this is why I would make the worst vice-president ever in an organization. My worst fear is being second-in-command to someone who either doesn't get the job done, or doesn't do it as well as it could be done. So for all the times I will complain about having to captain a team - sometimes I do it because I'd rather just have the responsibility than have angst that the person who does isn't responsible and then worry about stepping on toes to get things done. There is a part of me that likes to be in charge of efficiency and delegation to make a group run smoothly. I'm type A, that's just the way it is.
My view of a good leader is someone who loves the organization or purpose, can vision for its direction, and find a way to implement that vision. It doesn't mean that you have to be doing everything - and ultimately, a good leader is the one who ends up doing very little actual work. One who can put the needs and the resources together in a way that makes it work. A leader is one who can lead - and that means being someone that people would be willing to follow.
Anyways - that tangent aside - today's test left me with mixed feelings. One the one hand, there were moments of the same-old same-old. Certain belt groups were beyond horrible. Like, it hurt my eyes to watch people be awful, watch people yawn and look around, and give about 20% effort. And it was positively painful to sit through board break after board break because they give each kid unlimited tries until s/he finally breaks it. I think that by the third try it's inherently obvious whether someone has proper technique to break it or not. And if they don't - then just stop it and note they didn't break it. The test is not the time to be teaching someone how to do something. It's supposed to be a TEST - a display of what you know, not a display of what you don't know. Some of these kids looked as though they'd never seen some of these techniques before and it was obvious that no one had broken it down for them properly.
However, on the other hand, I was extremely proud of certain parts of the test. There were some in the bunch that were absolutely fabulous. Certain people that I've seen suffer through hard classes but show up faithfully and work themselves hard made huge strides this test. And of course I'm biased, but I had 6 private students testing and 1 more finishing off his black belt board break - and they all stood out. Ken (adult) finally broke his boards in an impressive first try to earn his black belt, Julian (13) had an overall good black belt test showing great progress despite not breaking his boards, Lindsey (8) and Willie (10) had awesome red belt tests (theirs was the most impressive performance of the whole test, imho, and well deserving of the comment from Sabs that "this is what a red belt test should be"), Scott (13) (and the whole group) pulled out his 2nd dan test in a crowd-pleasing show, Neely (7) showed some good determination and technique in a group of atrocious green belts, and even little Sam (my 6 year old white belt) showed that he knew his stuff.
So although this was probably one of the most difficult and tiring days...in the end it was validating that I can make a little bit of a difference around here, despite whatever and whoever stands above me. The question is - is that little bit of a difference worth it?
These people (well, mostly my kids) are the reason that I can't ever meet up with my friends for dinner during the week. Why I spend whole days coaching at mind-numbing local competitions. Why I lose my voice yelling and am forced to bust out the whistle.
I guess that's what teaching is. For all the students who don't try, for all the beauracracy to try and improve the system, for all the people who can find ways to make you feel unappreciated - it's for the investment in individuals and being able to make a difference in one person's life. To pass on some knowledge, some love, some passion that you hold, and see them grow to learn, to love, and to be passionate - that's what teaching is about. So at the end of the day, while it was very touching that Julian (and Ken and Mel back in Dec at their test) gave me special thanks when they were asked to say something about their TKD experience...it wasn't that acknowledgement that made it special.
It was the look of bewilderment on Lindsey's face when she was told to do a 360 spinning hook kick - a technique that she hadn't learned yet because it was for the next rank - and giving her a 2 second explanation of how to do it and telling her to go...and watching her do it. It was the huge smile that broke out on Willie's face when he broke his board on the first try - with the kick that he couldn't come close to doing properly a month ago. The grin as he sat there on the mat, oblivious to the world because he was so proud of himself. It was hearing Ken's kiyup that held his determination, and knowing even before he did it that those boards would break.
And above all, it was watching Julian get on the mat and take his test by himself. The kid who was once full of excuses, who cried at every lesson, who negotiated every drill, who couldn't do a proper pushup or a proper turning kick. Who never aspired to shoot for his black belt because it would take too much. His test wasn't perfect, and there was room for improvement - but seeing him contain his nervousness and fear in a respectable manner, and put his heart on the mat...and show that there is determination within - those are the moments for which it becomes worth it.
It amazes me that he was such a difficult kid that I almost dropped him for private lessons. After the first month, I was ready to tell his mother that I couldn't work with him because it was too much babysitting and not productive enough to be worth anyone's time.
I'm sure glad I didn't give up on him.
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I think it is very hard for me to just let things be when I know that they could be better. But as time goes on, I realize that you can't change things when you're not in a position to implement change. In the case of teaching, it actually hurts me to see people not able to do things correctly because of glitches in the system. So what do you do when you're not in a position to make decisions, but you're so closely tied that you have to deal with the results of a flawed system? Not entirely flawed, of course - on the whole quite good - but when there are things that could obviously be better.
After getting myself in trouble for stepping on egos and speaking my mind, I decided that it wasn't worth talking when no one was listening. So one year ago exactly, I resolved to step away from the dojang as a whole, and put my energies into focusing on my private students and anyone else in my classes who would want to work hard and learn things properly.
Perhaps it's taken a whole year, but I derived some satisifaction from this test because you could start to see the difference. Not to be conceited because it's not necessarily because my teaching is so much better than everyone else's. I think that we have many fine instructors, and should any of them choose to be a regular presence and really make personal investments and give serious thought to teaching, our students would be spectacular. But rather than fighting the uphill battle to implement changes from top down, the method of bottom up is starting to show that it works. Perhaps those on top will be too stubborn or blind to see the connection, but these kids that shined today are examples of what the changes and standards I proposed last year could do. So while it's hard to sit by and see problems and solutions and be powerless to make a difference across the board...I suppose I should be happy in knowing that you can still make a difference, one student at a time.
Promotion tests are probably the days I dislike the most. Well, it's more of a love-hate thing, because I deep down I really care about them - but it's precisely because I care so much that it just frustrates me to watch bad technique or (worse) - kids who don't care or don't try. I have very little patience for people who want recognition for things they don't deserve, and seeing the holes in the fabric that could be mended (but are not).
On a side note, this is why I would make the worst vice-president ever in an organization. My worst fear is being second-in-command to someone who either doesn't get the job done, or doesn't do it as well as it could be done. So for all the times I will complain about having to captain a team - sometimes I do it because I'd rather just have the responsibility than have angst that the person who does isn't responsible and then worry about stepping on toes to get things done. There is a part of me that likes to be in charge of efficiency and delegation to make a group run smoothly. I'm type A, that's just the way it is.
My view of a good leader is someone who loves the organization or purpose, can vision for its direction, and find a way to implement that vision. It doesn't mean that you have to be doing everything - and ultimately, a good leader is the one who ends up doing very little actual work. One who can put the needs and the resources together in a way that makes it work. A leader is one who can lead - and that means being someone that people would be willing to follow.
Anyways - that tangent aside - today's test left me with mixed feelings. One the one hand, there were moments of the same-old same-old. Certain belt groups were beyond horrible. Like, it hurt my eyes to watch people be awful, watch people yawn and look around, and give about 20% effort. And it was positively painful to sit through board break after board break because they give each kid unlimited tries until s/he finally breaks it. I think that by the third try it's inherently obvious whether someone has proper technique to break it or not. And if they don't - then just stop it and note they didn't break it. The test is not the time to be teaching someone how to do something. It's supposed to be a TEST - a display of what you know, not a display of what you don't know. Some of these kids looked as though they'd never seen some of these techniques before and it was obvious that no one had broken it down for them properly.
However, on the other hand, I was extremely proud of certain parts of the test. There were some in the bunch that were absolutely fabulous. Certain people that I've seen suffer through hard classes but show up faithfully and work themselves hard made huge strides this test. And of course I'm biased, but I had 6 private students testing and 1 more finishing off his black belt board break - and they all stood out. Ken (adult) finally broke his boards in an impressive first try to earn his black belt, Julian (13) had an overall good black belt test showing great progress despite not breaking his boards, Lindsey (8) and Willie (10) had awesome red belt tests (theirs was the most impressive performance of the whole test, imho, and well deserving of the comment from Sabs that "this is what a red belt test should be"), Scott (13) (and the whole group) pulled out his 2nd dan test in a crowd-pleasing show, Neely (7) showed some good determination and technique in a group of atrocious green belts, and even little Sam (my 6 year old white belt) showed that he knew his stuff.
So although this was probably one of the most difficult and tiring days...in the end it was validating that I can make a little bit of a difference around here, despite whatever and whoever stands above me. The question is - is that little bit of a difference worth it?
These people (well, mostly my kids) are the reason that I can't ever meet up with my friends for dinner during the week. Why I spend whole days coaching at mind-numbing local competitions. Why I lose my voice yelling and am forced to bust out the whistle.
I guess that's what teaching is. For all the students who don't try, for all the beauracracy to try and improve the system, for all the people who can find ways to make you feel unappreciated - it's for the investment in individuals and being able to make a difference in one person's life. To pass on some knowledge, some love, some passion that you hold, and see them grow to learn, to love, and to be passionate - that's what teaching is about. So at the end of the day, while it was very touching that Julian (and Ken and Mel back in Dec at their test) gave me special thanks when they were asked to say something about their TKD experience...it wasn't that acknowledgement that made it special.
It was the look of bewilderment on Lindsey's face when she was told to do a 360 spinning hook kick - a technique that she hadn't learned yet because it was for the next rank - and giving her a 2 second explanation of how to do it and telling her to go...and watching her do it. It was the huge smile that broke out on Willie's face when he broke his board on the first try - with the kick that he couldn't come close to doing properly a month ago. The grin as he sat there on the mat, oblivious to the world because he was so proud of himself. It was hearing Ken's kiyup that held his determination, and knowing even before he did it that those boards would break.
And above all, it was watching Julian get on the mat and take his test by himself. The kid who was once full of excuses, who cried at every lesson, who negotiated every drill, who couldn't do a proper pushup or a proper turning kick. Who never aspired to shoot for his black belt because it would take too much. His test wasn't perfect, and there was room for improvement - but seeing him contain his nervousness and fear in a respectable manner, and put his heart on the mat...and show that there is determination within - those are the moments for which it becomes worth it.
It amazes me that he was such a difficult kid that I almost dropped him for private lessons. After the first month, I was ready to tell his mother that I couldn't work with him because it was too much babysitting and not productive enough to be worth anyone's time.
I'm sure glad I didn't give up on him.
Friday, June 02, 2006
cham-ah
Being mature is difficult. It's almost torturous to be denied something that you've worked so hard for and would mean so much to you - and then to have to endure a full day of watching it unfold before you, without you. It's like taking a diabetic kid and forcing them to tour Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.
I think one of the worst feelings is being left out or excluded. And with this whole promotion test tomorrow, I've been in a constant flux of needing to be mature about it and wanting to walk away because I just can't take it anymore. Aside from the lack of understanding as to why they still haven't promoted me, it's been even more difficult to see all of my friends and 'family' that I'm closest to at the school testing together for their higher degrees. To be the one person in my group that has been left out of the belt group. To see their camraderie grow as they practice together and shoot for a common goal - and not just watch from the outside, but be present to help them.
Just once I wish I didn't have to do everything alone. I've tested for all my black belts alone. I've gone to most tournaments alone this year, with my coach with me at best. I wish I had momentum, just once.
So I've been trying to be happy for my friends - and I'm excited to see them test and firmly believe that they deserve it. But it's hard to stand by and be knowingly and unknowingly excluded, particularly by the people you're sacrificing your nights to help. Comments like "I'm so serious the 5 of us are going to go to Bulgaria...oh and Christina you can come too if you want" were not appreciated.
But this is just another thing to suck up. I just can't wait for this test to be over, particularly since I'll be working for it the whole day. I think I see more of what it means to "cham-ah". My parents always asked me (rhetorically) when I was going to mature. (Usually after I did something incredibly immature). I feel like I've had to do it a lot this week, but it's the art of taking a deep breath, letting a bad comment or feeling go, and saying what "should" be said for the sake of someone else's well-being.
The only problem with "cham-ah"ing is that you never know when something is going to make you explode.
I think one of the worst feelings is being left out or excluded. And with this whole promotion test tomorrow, I've been in a constant flux of needing to be mature about it and wanting to walk away because I just can't take it anymore. Aside from the lack of understanding as to why they still haven't promoted me, it's been even more difficult to see all of my friends and 'family' that I'm closest to at the school testing together for their higher degrees. To be the one person in my group that has been left out of the belt group. To see their camraderie grow as they practice together and shoot for a common goal - and not just watch from the outside, but be present to help them.
Just once I wish I didn't have to do everything alone. I've tested for all my black belts alone. I've gone to most tournaments alone this year, with my coach with me at best. I wish I had momentum, just once.
So I've been trying to be happy for my friends - and I'm excited to see them test and firmly believe that they deserve it. But it's hard to stand by and be knowingly and unknowingly excluded, particularly by the people you're sacrificing your nights to help. Comments like "I'm so serious the 5 of us are going to go to Bulgaria...oh and Christina you can come too if you want" were not appreciated.
But this is just another thing to suck up. I just can't wait for this test to be over, particularly since I'll be working for it the whole day. I think I see more of what it means to "cham-ah". My parents always asked me (rhetorically) when I was going to mature. (Usually after I did something incredibly immature). I feel like I've had to do it a lot this week, but it's the art of taking a deep breath, letting a bad comment or feeling go, and saying what "should" be said for the sake of someone else's well-being.
The only problem with "cham-ah"ing is that you never know when something is going to make you explode.
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