I will preface this entry by saying that I'm sure that God doesn't care whether we are in tune or musically talented when we praise. And that I'm quite thankful to not actually have perfect pitch.
That being said, I was noticing something recently that made me think.
So every week I meet up with my sgl to prep for small group, which includes going over the Bible study, logistics, some singing and praying. Good stuff. Seeing as how I can't play guitar beyond three chords and no strums, he will play in the background during the singing and praying part. Which means he gets to pick the songs and the keys.
I noticed when we first started meeting up that he likes to sing songs in keys that are somewhat high. I'm not sure how it works for the average guy's range vs. the average girl's range and I know I'm an alto - but I noticed that when I tried to match his melody an octave higher, I'd often find myself straining to hit the notes in a register that wasn't quite comfortable to me. And when you're singing with one other person - there's really nowhere to hide. If you hit the wrong note, it's glaringly obvious. If you hit the note but only with half your voice, it's glaringly obvious.
So at one point, rather than trying to force it, I decided to take a different approach and try to harmonize with him, so that my part would be in my comfortable range. Not that I'm necessarily good at harmonizing, sometimes I'm sure I'm just wrong, but for the most part, it works out better that way.
I think this is indicative of what working with someone has been like, and how I'm being stretched. Partnering in ministry doesn't necessarily mean that you're both singing the melody all the time. Perhaps you can, and so long as you're together, it works, but even when two people are perfectly in tune singing melody, it's kind of ... boring.
The harmony is certainly not always as 'glorious' or in the 'spotlight' as the melody is - believe me, I've played 2nd violin often enough to know - but it brings a depth to the melody when it complements it, and with that support, lets the melody come out stronger. And in the end, what it does is make the actual music.
The funny thing is, in order to harmonize, you have to know the melody and know it well. To know where it is going, where it has been, and be able to determine on the fly what it needs. It's not really an ignorance or a step back, but requires the ability to plan ahead.
So perhaps all this straining to hit these high notes that my voice was not made in range for is indicative of a greater need to step back and let someone else sing the melody. Perhaps this is a time to learn how to harmonize, because it's something I'm capable of, but doesn't come naturally. And perhaps harmonizing is not necessarily hiding behind the melody - but supporting it.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
hodge podge
I've turned my suitcases upside down, yet again. It's official.
I lost my camera and my cell phone in Argentina. And the irony is, I can't even call Verizon to tell them my phone was lost/stolen - because I don't have a phone to call them with.
My mom thought I died because I hadn't called. And apparently left me a frantic message on my cell every hour since yesterday. I have to say - I'm half glad the phone is gone so I don't have to listen to all those messages. (Until I realized how freaking expensive new phones are at full price).
Usually I never go out with the team on the last night, but I figured I wouldn't be a party pooper this time and forced myself to go out. I must admit it was fun, but...I think this is God's way of telling me I shouldn't be drinking. Impaired judgement and lack of memory = loss of expensive electronic devices.
* * * * *
They say that imitation is the highest form of flattery. I thought it was super cute when Jax, my 10 year old student that I tutor and teach in Taekwondo, came out of his room after our session today wearing his black North Face fleece and looking proud of himself. I had just put on my black NF fleece to leave, and he thought it was cool to have the same jacket as me. It was pretty cute. (Even though black NF jackets are pretty common).
Today he asked me what pi was, why there were so many digits, and whether they were important. It was actually really fun to take a digression from fractions to talk about significant figures and geometry.
I love smart kids.
* * * * *
Dazzo picked me up from the airport today and I made the rounds at my old company. Gosh, I really miss my old coworkers. I didn't realize how awesome it was to be in a work environment where you actually have friends.
Dazzo even got me a present - a box of hot n' spicy tabasco flavored cheez-its. My favorites source of fat and salt. We used to eat them all the time, I got him hooked the year I was there. How thoughtful - it made my day.
* * * * *
I came home and my flowers were dead. Last week someone sent me flowers to my work - it was really encouraging (and really embarassing). I think it was someone from sg based on the note. (Thanks!) I haven't really received flowers before (except that time fsgl's got me flowers for Mother's Day - dang that's one way to say 'we love you and you're old') so I didn't really know what to do. Whoever it was was super thoughtful and sent a vase too, because I don't own one. I read all the instructions on how to cut them and added the special powdery thing to the water...but I think I neglected to realize that you have to keep giving them water instead of just sticking them in water. Oops. But they were pretty while they lasted, I love roses. It was such a cheery addition to my apt in the midst of the chaos of packing last week.
It's funny, that whole exercise with praying for and encouraging someone else in the sg was so people could learn to give without expecting recognition, and to receive and be blessed without feeling like something is owed. Little did I know that it would come back and I would be the recipient of such encouragement. Ministry is so unexpected like that sometimes.
I lost my camera and my cell phone in Argentina. And the irony is, I can't even call Verizon to tell them my phone was lost/stolen - because I don't have a phone to call them with.
My mom thought I died because I hadn't called. And apparently left me a frantic message on my cell every hour since yesterday. I have to say - I'm half glad the phone is gone so I don't have to listen to all those messages. (Until I realized how freaking expensive new phones are at full price).
Usually I never go out with the team on the last night, but I figured I wouldn't be a party pooper this time and forced myself to go out. I must admit it was fun, but...I think this is God's way of telling me I shouldn't be drinking. Impaired judgement and lack of memory = loss of expensive electronic devices.
* * * * *
They say that imitation is the highest form of flattery. I thought it was super cute when Jax, my 10 year old student that I tutor and teach in Taekwondo, came out of his room after our session today wearing his black North Face fleece and looking proud of himself. I had just put on my black NF fleece to leave, and he thought it was cool to have the same jacket as me. It was pretty cute. (Even though black NF jackets are pretty common).
Today he asked me what pi was, why there were so many digits, and whether they were important. It was actually really fun to take a digression from fractions to talk about significant figures and geometry.
I love smart kids.
* * * * *
Dazzo picked me up from the airport today and I made the rounds at my old company. Gosh, I really miss my old coworkers. I didn't realize how awesome it was to be in a work environment where you actually have friends.
Dazzo even got me a present - a box of hot n' spicy tabasco flavored cheez-its. My favorites source of fat and salt. We used to eat them all the time, I got him hooked the year I was there. How thoughtful - it made my day.
* * * * *
I came home and my flowers were dead. Last week someone sent me flowers to my work - it was really encouraging (and really embarassing). I think it was someone from sg based on the note. (Thanks!) I haven't really received flowers before (except that time fsgl's got me flowers for Mother's Day - dang that's one way to say 'we love you and you're old') so I didn't really know what to do. Whoever it was was super thoughtful and sent a vase too, because I don't own one. I read all the instructions on how to cut them and added the special powdery thing to the water...but I think I neglected to realize that you have to keep giving them water instead of just sticking them in water. Oops. But they were pretty while they lasted, I love roses. It was such a cheery addition to my apt in the midst of the chaos of packing last week.
It's funny, that whole exercise with praying for and encouraging someone else in the sg was so people could learn to give without expecting recognition, and to receive and be blessed without feeling like something is owed. Little did I know that it would come back and I would be the recipient of such encouragement. Ministry is so unexpected like that sometimes.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
turtle and scorpion explained
as an explanation of the turtle scorpion story...
i purposely didn't expound upon it because i wanted it to be open ended for interpretation, as it was originally told to me. however, upon deeper thought, i guess i could give my opinion.
so by the eneagram personality tests i'm a type 2 - the helper. so it is often that i find myself resonating with the turtle. i really like helping people - it makes me happy to think about others' needs and try to fulfill them, help them get towards a goal, or generally care for them/make them feel cared for. not surprisingly, i also happen to like it when people help me, care for me, or are thoughtful of me. it makes sense that you receive in the same manner that you give. both of these energize me, and i really treasure and thrive in those precious friendships in which this works both ways.
however, no friendships or relationships are perfect, and more often than not (ie. always) the more you get to know someone, the more you will see their flaws and incompatibilities with you. and yours with them. the real question is whether you can accept and grow together beyond those differences or not, and this is what i think the meaning is behind the turtle and the scorpion.
the turtle knew full well that the scorpion had, not only in his power to hurt him, but that it was in his nature that he undoubtably would use it. whether the scorpion's intentions are malicious or not is actually irrelevant - so therefore it's a bit unfair to just label the turtle as virtuous and the scorpion as villainous. - because the end result is the same. the scorpion will inevitably hurt the turtle. that is why the turtle was so hesitant to acquiese to the initial request.
but you can't make friendships based on conditions, because then you're asking someone to be someone they're not. perhaps their character can grow into someone better than they are presently (and likewise with you), and perhaps your friendship will be instrumental in that happening - but the fact of the matter is, you have to be ready to get stung, because there is a very real chance and high probability that this will happen.
however, before we go into a pity party of feeling victimized, i think if we're really honest with ourselves, we're never always the turtle. we play the role of the scorpion as well, particularly to those who we're closest to. for example, my parents. i'm not the nicest person to them, not always. and despite that, they will always love me and stand by me. for example (here we go, don't judge me) - whenever i go home, my parents and i will stay up late watching korean dramas and music videos. (yes, we do that as a family). i will curl up on the couch and lazily let myself drift off to sleep, and my mom will come and put a blanket on me and a pillow under my head. then, just as i'm falling asleep (you know the feeling - it's awesome) my dad will say "SOYUN! go upstairs and sleep!"
totally ruining one of the best moments of my life. there is no instance that i am crankier than when someone steals that moment away from me. and no person that i will put my self-respecting pride down for and throw a tantrum like a 5 year old at than my dad.
at first i'll just ignore him, thinking if he thinks i'm already asleep, he'll leave me alone. yeah, right. parks are far too stubborn. give it about 30 seconds and there will be another bellow: "SOYUN! NOW!" this will go on for awhile, before he starts getting annoying and tickling my feet, at which point, there is absolutely no way i can stay there.
so i'll get up, completely disheveled and angry, and here i am, 26 years old, throwing a tantrum at my father.
EVERY TIME I GO HOME. without fail.
there are times when i know that i will snap at them or be impatient or frustrated...and no matter how much i may try, it will eventually come out. why? because it's my nature, and there's no one like family to see you as you are.
when i look at some of the important relationships in my life, i realize that it is a give and take, and that sometimes i am the turtle, and sometimes i am the scorpion. i see it with all the ups and downs sabs and i have gone through in the last 2+ years. all the times their thoughtless words hurt deep, whether they knew it or not. all the misunderstandings, spoken and unspoken. the ways i undermined their authority (again, whether i knew it or not), the ways they bullied me...the list could go on and on. but despite these things, the ways we drove each other absolutely crazy, all the times they made me cry, all the times i made them mad - we've somehow gotten through them.
i see it in the extremely volatile fights that jaac and i would have - particularly when we were grumpy and starving cutting weight. he's one of my best friends, and with that comes the power for me to hurt him with a careless comment, for him to hurt me with a pointed comeback.
in all relationships worth having, there must be conflict and reconciliation. that's how you grow, both in understanding of each other and also yourself. when i look at the relationships that matter to me, the ones that are difficult - i see a more realistic perception of who i am and how i need to grow. and sometimes i get a clearer picture of who the other person is and how they need to grow.
after all, it's all a process of growing. and they don't call it growing pains for nothing.
i purposely didn't expound upon it because i wanted it to be open ended for interpretation, as it was originally told to me. however, upon deeper thought, i guess i could give my opinion.
so by the eneagram personality tests i'm a type 2 - the helper. so it is often that i find myself resonating with the turtle. i really like helping people - it makes me happy to think about others' needs and try to fulfill them, help them get towards a goal, or generally care for them/make them feel cared for. not surprisingly, i also happen to like it when people help me, care for me, or are thoughtful of me. it makes sense that you receive in the same manner that you give. both of these energize me, and i really treasure and thrive in those precious friendships in which this works both ways.
however, no friendships or relationships are perfect, and more often than not (ie. always) the more you get to know someone, the more you will see their flaws and incompatibilities with you. and yours with them. the real question is whether you can accept and grow together beyond those differences or not, and this is what i think the meaning is behind the turtle and the scorpion.
the turtle knew full well that the scorpion had, not only in his power to hurt him, but that it was in his nature that he undoubtably would use it. whether the scorpion's intentions are malicious or not is actually irrelevant - so therefore it's a bit unfair to just label the turtle as virtuous and the scorpion as villainous. - because the end result is the same. the scorpion will inevitably hurt the turtle. that is why the turtle was so hesitant to acquiese to the initial request.
but you can't make friendships based on conditions, because then you're asking someone to be someone they're not. perhaps their character can grow into someone better than they are presently (and likewise with you), and perhaps your friendship will be instrumental in that happening - but the fact of the matter is, you have to be ready to get stung, because there is a very real chance and high probability that this will happen.
however, before we go into a pity party of feeling victimized, i think if we're really honest with ourselves, we're never always the turtle. we play the role of the scorpion as well, particularly to those who we're closest to. for example, my parents. i'm not the nicest person to them, not always. and despite that, they will always love me and stand by me. for example (here we go, don't judge me) - whenever i go home, my parents and i will stay up late watching korean dramas and music videos. (yes, we do that as a family). i will curl up on the couch and lazily let myself drift off to sleep, and my mom will come and put a blanket on me and a pillow under my head. then, just as i'm falling asleep (you know the feeling - it's awesome) my dad will say "SOYUN! go upstairs and sleep!"
totally ruining one of the best moments of my life. there is no instance that i am crankier than when someone steals that moment away from me. and no person that i will put my self-respecting pride down for and throw a tantrum like a 5 year old at than my dad.
at first i'll just ignore him, thinking if he thinks i'm already asleep, he'll leave me alone. yeah, right. parks are far too stubborn. give it about 30 seconds and there will be another bellow: "SOYUN! NOW!" this will go on for awhile, before he starts getting annoying and tickling my feet, at which point, there is absolutely no way i can stay there.
so i'll get up, completely disheveled and angry, and here i am, 26 years old, throwing a tantrum at my father.
EVERY TIME I GO HOME. without fail.
there are times when i know that i will snap at them or be impatient or frustrated...and no matter how much i may try, it will eventually come out. why? because it's my nature, and there's no one like family to see you as you are.
when i look at some of the important relationships in my life, i realize that it is a give and take, and that sometimes i am the turtle, and sometimes i am the scorpion. i see it with all the ups and downs sabs and i have gone through in the last 2+ years. all the times their thoughtless words hurt deep, whether they knew it or not. all the misunderstandings, spoken and unspoken. the ways i undermined their authority (again, whether i knew it or not), the ways they bullied me...the list could go on and on. but despite these things, the ways we drove each other absolutely crazy, all the times they made me cry, all the times i made them mad - we've somehow gotten through them.
i see it in the extremely volatile fights that jaac and i would have - particularly when we were grumpy and starving cutting weight. he's one of my best friends, and with that comes the power for me to hurt him with a careless comment, for him to hurt me with a pointed comeback.
in all relationships worth having, there must be conflict and reconciliation. that's how you grow, both in understanding of each other and also yourself. when i look at the relationships that matter to me, the ones that are difficult - i see a more realistic perception of who i am and how i need to grow. and sometimes i get a clearer picture of who the other person is and how they need to grow.
after all, it's all a process of growing. and they don't call it growing pains for nothing.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
electronics
Reason #2 for why I have to get married: I hate shopping for electronics.
Men appear to enjoy shopping for electronics. OK, perhaps that is not a good generalization considering almost all of the men in my life are Asian engineers. However, the statistic works in my little world. Even my non-engineering guy friends know and care so much more about electronics than I do.
I'm trying to buy a new computer. But there are just too many freaking options. mac? pc? desktop? laptop? That alone gives me a headache, let alone all the other bells and whistles that add hundreds of dollars that you didn't acount for.
And anyone who knows me well knows that I don't deal well with options in arenas I don't know, particularly if it involves money. If you increase the number of variables, my stress and indecision levels skyrocket exponentially. (Hence, if you've ever played poker with me...it's very amusing).
Since my current laptop is 4 years old, the screen has blown out, super slow, and is now making funny sounds when it runs...I've backed up my files, picked the brains of the first 5 guys who would respond to me, spent too much time on the internet, and spent 150% of the budget I had set for myself. Dell.com is freaking sneaky...don't be fooled until you check out and suddenly see the price skyrocket!
Time to exit the Dark Ages. Well, in 3-5 days, by standard shipping.
I really hope my future husband likes shopping for electronics, I think I need a nap from my purchasing experience.
Men appear to enjoy shopping for electronics. OK, perhaps that is not a good generalization considering almost all of the men in my life are Asian engineers. However, the statistic works in my little world. Even my non-engineering guy friends know and care so much more about electronics than I do.
I'm trying to buy a new computer. But there are just too many freaking options. mac? pc? desktop? laptop? That alone gives me a headache, let alone all the other bells and whistles that add hundreds of dollars that you didn't acount for.
And anyone who knows me well knows that I don't deal well with options in arenas I don't know, particularly if it involves money. If you increase the number of variables, my stress and indecision levels skyrocket exponentially. (Hence, if you've ever played poker with me...it's very amusing).
Since my current laptop is 4 years old, the screen has blown out, super slow, and is now making funny sounds when it runs...I've backed up my files, picked the brains of the first 5 guys who would respond to me, spent too much time on the internet, and spent 150% of the budget I had set for myself. Dell.com is freaking sneaky...don't be fooled until you check out and suddenly see the price skyrocket!
Time to exit the Dark Ages. Well, in 3-5 days, by standard shipping.
I really hope my future husband likes shopping for electronics, I think I need a nap from my purchasing experience.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
10 days of birthday...
Had a great time at D&B's with akl, ahyeah, suprman, dmoon, aepark, sera, and bh. We won this really cool poker set for 5500 tickets! Now, how do you actually win that obscene number of tickets in one sitting, you ask?
It was a combination of suprman's ridiculously lucky tendencies (who gets triple 7 on slots on the first try??), aepark's crazy wheel of fortune skills, bh, akl and my flaming fingers, and...the trivia game. Haha. I think all the other people must have hated us. I knew there was a purpose to being geeky and smart. dmoon, suprman, and bh were ridiculous. Highest payout by far per game.
Man this was the best and most prolonged birthday I've ever had. Totally awesome. But I think the festivities are over now, and I will have to just move on...and accept my age. (I went to a tournament to coach this weekend, and a bunch of the Korean kids came up to me and eensah'd...you know you're old when people give you respect.)
It was a combination of suprman's ridiculously lucky tendencies (who gets triple 7 on slots on the first try??), aepark's crazy wheel of fortune skills, bh, akl and my flaming fingers, and...the trivia game. Haha. I think all the other people must have hated us. I knew there was a purpose to being geeky and smart. dmoon, suprman, and bh were ridiculous. Highest payout by far per game.
Man this was the best and most prolonged birthday I've ever had. Totally awesome. But I think the festivities are over now, and I will have to just move on...and accept my age. (I went to a tournament to coach this weekend, and a bunch of the Korean kids came up to me and eensah'd...you know you're old when people give you respect.)
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
setups
Dave, my hand therapist, likes to joke around with me about why I'm not married. Or dating. Or whatever. It's kind of cute though, he's sort of paternal. And he's not Korean so that makes me a little less guarded about being nagged.
"So I went to see my dentist the other day, and he's Korean. And he's Christian. Really nice guy..."
I see where this is going.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, but he's 34...is that too old for you?"
"Uh, probably"
"Well, he's a really nice guy, all his patients love him. There's one one thing...well, there are two things"
Uh, being 34 wasn't one of them?
"Yeah?"
"So...he's a little overweight."
"So what? Wait...how little is a little?"
"Maybe 20 lbs. I figured that wouldn't work with you since you're like, the other end of the exercise spectrum"
And by 20 he meant more like 25-30.
"Uhh...yeah, there could be a conflict of interest."
"Well, and he's a little..."
"What, awkward?"
"Yeah, that's a good word! You could say that"
Wait, so not only is the guy old, and overweight (which doesn't bother me so much as the fact that obesity can indicate a lack of discipline), but he's socially awkward?
What's with people trying to set me up with 34 year old not-a-real-doctor types? This is the second one in 3 months! First the optometrist somewhere in California who likes to go hiking and canoeing, but was not Christian. Now the dentist somewhere in Jersey who may or may not be able to carry a conversation.
"So I went to see my dentist the other day, and he's Korean. And he's Christian. Really nice guy..."
I see where this is going.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, but he's 34...is that too old for you?"
"Uh, probably"
"Well, he's a really nice guy, all his patients love him. There's one one thing...well, there are two things"
Uh, being 34 wasn't one of them?
"Yeah?"
"So...he's a little overweight."
"So what? Wait...how little is a little?"
"Maybe 20 lbs. I figured that wouldn't work with you since you're like, the other end of the exercise spectrum"
And by 20 he meant more like 25-30.
"Uhh...yeah, there could be a conflict of interest."
"Well, and he's a little..."
"What, awkward?"
"Yeah, that's a good word! You could say that"
Wait, so not only is the guy old, and overweight (which doesn't bother me so much as the fact that obesity can indicate a lack of discipline), but he's socially awkward?
What's with people trying to set me up with 34 year old not-a-real-doctor types? This is the second one in 3 months! First the optometrist somewhere in California who likes to go hiking and canoeing, but was not Christian. Now the dentist somewhere in Jersey who may or may not be able to carry a conversation.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
birthday blessings
If there is one thing I'm embarassed by, it's being sung the happy birthday song on your birthday. What are you supposed to do when people are singing? You can't exactly sing along. The song lasts for a relatively long time. You can't really look down and be ungracious, but actually looking at the people singing is weird.
Maybe I have issues with receiving with no opportunity to reciprocate. (Food for thought). Or perhaps I don't like being the center of attention for something that I don't 'deserve'. (Though it's not really like you deserve a birthday).
So on Friday after weigh-ins and the open competition, we had dinner at Hard Rock with the tBos crew. Gosh, I missed them...brought back such good memories of what it was like to be on a team - my own team. They are still as awesome as ever. I forgot about Hard Rock and their birthday policies, so at the end of dinner when the waitress comes over and makes me come stand in the middle of the room, I was utterly embarassed when she made the whole restaurant sing happy birthday to me.
So I thought I had read that if you get a drink, you get to keep the commemorative glass. Liza asks the waiter if that's true and he says no, sorry, the glass stays.
Liza: "So what if someone didn't know that?" (hint, hint)
waiter: "Well...I'm looking the other way"
Liza: "Sparky, put the glass in your bag"
me: "Um, but...that's STEALING!"
Liza: "Yes, and on your birthday you should do things like that. Faster!"
* * * * *
Tonight jh tried to get ppl from sg together for a birthday dinner, and lo and behold, the unthinking waiter comes over to our table and says "we're going to bring out the cake now, so please clap along!" And I'm thinking - uh, cake? Dangit, that means singing! Uh...clap along to what??
Little did I know...
If you've ever watched a Korean drama when it's someone's birthday in a restaurant...well, that stuff really does happen. I see this waiter coming with a cake and candles (OK I'm starting to get embarassed, but this is standard birthday fare, so expected) - then suddenly from the speakers comes Turbo's techno rendition of "happy happy birthday" (which, coincidentally, I do happen to like because I really liked Turbo back in the mid 90's) and the entire Kunjip staff comes out clapping to the beat (oh my goodness) and encouraging the entire restaurant to clap along. (I think my face was as red as my shirt).
Man...I'm so blessed. Here I thought it was going to be a horrible birthday, while I was cutting weight, stressed about training, and away to boot. The thoughtfulness of many to go so out of their way to help me celebrate and encourage me before the tournament has been so unexpected and amazing. JH took me out last week for fun at D&B's, C and L put together encouragement cards from sg and football (respectively), my 8 year old TKD student wrote me a story about us going to a tournament together and how I'm her favorite instructor, Scottie and JAAC sent me all these inspirational quotes and comments...I've seriously never been so encouraged.
I am undeserving of such love and care, but very grateful for it nonetheless.
Maybe I have issues with receiving with no opportunity to reciprocate. (Food for thought). Or perhaps I don't like being the center of attention for something that I don't 'deserve'. (Though it's not really like you deserve a birthday).
So on Friday after weigh-ins and the open competition, we had dinner at Hard Rock with the tBos crew. Gosh, I missed them...brought back such good memories of what it was like to be on a team - my own team. They are still as awesome as ever. I forgot about Hard Rock and their birthday policies, so at the end of dinner when the waitress comes over and makes me come stand in the middle of the room, I was utterly embarassed when she made the whole restaurant sing happy birthday to me.
So I thought I had read that if you get a drink, you get to keep the commemorative glass. Liza asks the waiter if that's true and he says no, sorry, the glass stays.
Liza: "So what if someone didn't know that?" (hint, hint)
waiter: "Well...I'm looking the other way"
Liza: "Sparky, put the glass in your bag"
me: "Um, but...that's STEALING!"
Liza: "Yes, and on your birthday you should do things like that. Faster!"
* * * * *
Tonight jh tried to get ppl from sg together for a birthday dinner, and lo and behold, the unthinking waiter comes over to our table and says "we're going to bring out the cake now, so please clap along!" And I'm thinking - uh, cake? Dangit, that means singing! Uh...clap along to what??
Little did I know...
If you've ever watched a Korean drama when it's someone's birthday in a restaurant...well, that stuff really does happen. I see this waiter coming with a cake and candles (OK I'm starting to get embarassed, but this is standard birthday fare, so expected) - then suddenly from the speakers comes Turbo's techno rendition of "happy happy birthday" (which, coincidentally, I do happen to like because I really liked Turbo back in the mid 90's) and the entire Kunjip staff comes out clapping to the beat (oh my goodness) and encouraging the entire restaurant to clap along. (I think my face was as red as my shirt).
Man...I'm so blessed. Here I thought it was going to be a horrible birthday, while I was cutting weight, stressed about training, and away to boot. The thoughtfulness of many to go so out of their way to help me celebrate and encourage me before the tournament has been so unexpected and amazing. JH took me out last week for fun at D&B's, C and L put together encouragement cards from sg and football (respectively), my 8 year old TKD student wrote me a story about us going to a tournament together and how I'm her favorite instructor, Scottie and JAAC sent me all these inspirational quotes and comments...I've seriously never been so encouraged.
I am undeserving of such love and care, but very grateful for it nonetheless.
Friday, November 03, 2006
what is 26?
26. It's not even mathematically significant.
23 was prime. Seriously the best year of my life. Graduated but no formal job, freedom to do ministry and train to my heart's content, where my "job" was to love and teach students in the two arenas I love most...young enough to blend in with my students and be friends with them, to live that extended campus life and enjoy it. I think I laughed the most this year. I miss Boston so much it hurts sometimes, but I know that I'm really just missing this time of my life and the people from it.
24 was perfect. (1x2x3x4) That was the year I strove to be "perfect" - the year of growth. The most crying I've ever done, the most psychological trauma I've ever gone through, the most I've ever travelled, and the most progress and development I've ever made. This was the year of risks, of learning that God will indeed provide when you take a leap of faith, and above all, learning how much I need community. The year of personal breakthroughs and what can happen when you really believe.
25 was square. (5x5) This was the year of balance. Between a new church, changing jobs, training, tutoring, and teaching TKD - it was a massive juggling act of learning how to sacrifice, how to optimize, how to give everything and everyone the most I can and still remain standing. But some of the most rewarding moments, when you see people growing, learning, overcoming their fears, and pushing them past their excuses and perceived limitations.
27 will be cubed. (3x3x3) Oh gosh, who knows, maybe it's the year everything will converge and make sense. But at least it's a special number.
But what is 26? I eagerly await to see what God can make out of this insignificant number. (If any of you have the gift of prophecy, well, sharing is caring!)
23 was prime. Seriously the best year of my life. Graduated but no formal job, freedom to do ministry and train to my heart's content, where my "job" was to love and teach students in the two arenas I love most...young enough to blend in with my students and be friends with them, to live that extended campus life and enjoy it. I think I laughed the most this year. I miss Boston so much it hurts sometimes, but I know that I'm really just missing this time of my life and the people from it.
24 was perfect. (1x2x3x4) That was the year I strove to be "perfect" - the year of growth. The most crying I've ever done, the most psychological trauma I've ever gone through, the most I've ever travelled, and the most progress and development I've ever made. This was the year of risks, of learning that God will indeed provide when you take a leap of faith, and above all, learning how much I need community. The year of personal breakthroughs and what can happen when you really believe.
25 was square. (5x5) This was the year of balance. Between a new church, changing jobs, training, tutoring, and teaching TKD - it was a massive juggling act of learning how to sacrifice, how to optimize, how to give everything and everyone the most I can and still remain standing. But some of the most rewarding moments, when you see people growing, learning, overcoming their fears, and pushing them past their excuses and perceived limitations.
27 will be cubed. (3x3x3) Oh gosh, who knows, maybe it's the year everything will converge and make sense. But at least it's a special number.
But what is 26? I eagerly await to see what God can make out of this insignificant number. (If any of you have the gift of prophecy, well, sharing is caring!)
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
surprise?
Man. When I woke up this morning, I was dragging myself to go running and wondering how I was going to make it through yet another day. And half peeved that I had no idea as of 8am as to whether the sgl mtg tonight was on or off because JH hadn't let me know.
Little did I know...what a funny progression of email strings. I feel so difficult.
Are we meeting tonight?
Can we meet at the palace tonight (32nd & broadway)? It is pretty close to our new church space, and II wanted to show you our new church office. I'll order food for you. What time can you come by? Let me know yo!
Paul is having a football meeting tonight @ Palace for the defense to go over plays. Unless you want to just meet there and go to the office. My second kid cancelled on me, I can get there between 7-7.30.
what food are you ordering? there are some foods i can't eat right now because i have to weigh in on friday and they just changed my weight class so it's 2 lbs less than it's always been.
HAHA shuddap. Dang it. I was going to surprise you with sangyupsal dinner, but man, I don't think that will work out. Well how about this, you pick your fav restaurant (that you are allowed to go to) and I'll take you there. Think about it as a pre-birthday thing.
Aw thanks, that's really nice of you to remember! though now all I can think about is sangyupsal.
Can we do it next week instead? I've been eating early or no dinners this week because my weight is so close. Everywhere I like to eat is food I can't really have right now.
I left you a vm on your cell, can you call me @ work when you get this?
I think he was getting frustrated by this point. Poor guy. Man, yet another reason why this tournament is ruining my birthday - I can't eat and I'm missing everything this weekend!
So in the end, he ended up taking me to Dave and Busters with the challenge that he would beat me at every game in there. He was pretty close, actually. Demolished me in basketball, Time Crisis, DDR, race car driving...yeah. BUT. He's still upset that I beat him at air hockey. My one redemption for the night. And he won at the trivia game and I beat the flaming finger - that was so freaking satisfying. (You know, one of those games where the jackpot is like 200 tickets because it's really hard?)
The fruit of our labor:
I think it really means a lot to me when someone does something thoughtful, or goes out of their way to try and surprise me. And in a lot of ways, the timing fell at a time when I needed to just be frivolous for a few hours and not take life so seriously.
Little did I know...what a funny progression of email strings. I feel so difficult.
Are we meeting tonight?
Can we meet at the palace tonight (32nd & broadway)? It is pretty close to our new church space, and II wanted to show you our new church office. I'll order food for you. What time can you come by? Let me know yo!
Paul is having a football meeting tonight @ Palace for the defense to go over plays. Unless you want to just meet there and go to the office. My second kid cancelled on me, I can get there between 7-7.30.
hahahaahha
yeah lets meet there and go to the office
wait, but the church office is being dedicated this weekend...how can we use it before then? what food are you ordering? there are some foods i can't eat right now because i have to weigh in on friday and they just changed my weight class so it's 2 lbs less than it's always been.
HAHA shuddap. Dang it. I was going to surprise you with sangyupsal dinner, but man, I don't think that will work out. Well how about this, you pick your fav restaurant (that you are allowed to go to) and I'll take you there. Think about it as a pre-birthday thing.
Aw thanks, that's really nice of you to remember! though now all I can think about is sangyupsal.
Can we do it next week instead? I've been eating early or no dinners this week because my weight is so close. Everywhere I like to eat is food I can't really have right now.
I left you a vm on your cell, can you call me @ work when you get this?
I think he was getting frustrated by this point. Poor guy. Man, yet another reason why this tournament is ruining my birthday - I can't eat and I'm missing everything this weekend!
So in the end, he ended up taking me to Dave and Busters with the challenge that he would beat me at every game in there. He was pretty close, actually. Demolished me in basketball, Time Crisis, DDR, race car driving...yeah. BUT. He's still upset that I beat him at air hockey. My one redemption for the night. And he won at the trivia game and I beat the flaming finger - that was so freaking satisfying. (You know, one of those games where the jackpot is like 200 tickets because it's really hard?)
The fruit of our labor:
I think it really means a lot to me when someone does something thoughtful, or goes out of their way to try and surprise me. And in a lot of ways, the timing fell at a time when I needed to just be frivolous for a few hours and not take life so seriously.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
the turtle and the scorpion
A few years ago, Chin and I were having a discussion on friendships and relationships, and he told me this story. It's kind of a strange story, and just leaves off in a way that only Chin can get away with making sense of...but I find myself reflecting back on it often. I miss Chin.
A turtle was swimming along a river when a scorpion hailed it from the shore.
"Hey Mr. Turtle!" called the scorpion. "Please let me climb upon your back and swim me to the other side of the river!"
"No," replied the turtle, "for if I do, you shall sting me, and I shall die."
"Nonsense!" replied the scorpion. "If I sting you in the middle of the river, you shall sink, and I shall drown and die with you."
The turtle thought this over, and saw the truth of the scorpion's statement, and said "OK I will swim you across on my back if you promise you won't sting me". The scorpion agreed, and the turtle let it upon his back and began swimming towards the other side of the river.
Halfway across, he felt a sharp pain in the back of his neck.
"Why have you stung me?!" cried the turtle as his body began to stiffen. "You promised you would not sting me, and now we will both die!"
"I couldn't help it" said the scorpion, "it's my nature to sting...but if you knew that I would sting you, why did you agree to help me?"
"I couldn't help it" the turtle replied, "it's in my nature to help."
spontanaeity
What a spontaneous weekend. I think I secretly like spontanaeity, but I'm too anal and risk-averse to instigate it myself. But judging by my record, I'm apparently easily convinced.
After a long hard practice out in Bayside on Sat (my legs haven't been this purple in years - feels GREAT), I made it back to MN rather late for sg dinner. But some of my sgroupees were gracious enough to hang around and wait for me, and we proceeded from Island Burger to Ellen's Stardust Diner, where they had dessert and I had water. (Can I repeat how much I hate cutting weight? I'm getting better at watching other people eat yummy fat and refraining, though. *sigh* Yummy fat.)
That diner is hilarious - the waiters and waitresses come out and sing - and they're really quite good! I could have sat there and been entertained all night. What was even more amusing was when this one waitress came out to sing "Love Train", she danced right over to Mia, who clapped her hands in excitement - until the waitress pulled her out to join the love train. Mia managed to grab Bryan before the train took off down the aisles, leaving Carol and me to enjoy this performance and fumble for a camera. Ellen's Stardust Diner, people - I highly recommend it. Birthdays, bar mitzvah's, and small group memory-making.
So from there we proceeded to walk across town in the wind (Mia kept claiming she was going to get blown away...I guess this is what happens when you weigh double digits) to Bryan's to get his car (bless his company for funding our escapades) to drive Mia home. Thus the adventure to Queens began...
After the grand tour of her apt (which is seriously half the cost of living in MN), she treated us to some high quality music (did you know she has soul?) for trekking all the way out to Briarwood. From there we embarked on a quest via GPS and internet to find a 24 hour Target or Walmart, since we were in Queens (ie. stuff is cheaper) and with car (ie. don't have to carry it home on the subway) - but to no avail. Seriously, we called every Target and Walmart in that area and they were all closed. Lame.
In a desperate attempt to find something open 24 hours, we ended up going to Walgreens. How sad is it that that was really exciting? But it was...Christmas wrapping for super cheap!
Thankfully it was the reversal of daylight savings, so all this fun was supplemented by an extra hour of sleep. And who says God doesn't provide?
So then on Sunday I completely forgot that I had to teach at 9am until a kid showed up at my door. Whoops. She isn't my most exciting student, either, so mustering up the energy took some effort. After church, I walked across town (literally - from 10th ave to 2nd ave) to meet up with the alums bc gbae and gleej were in town! What a pleasant surprise...I love the class of 2000. And they are the other kcf class with 'the curse'. Haha.
So after lunch I was supposed to go to football, but ended up being abducted in the car to ahyeah's apt, where they introduced me to the world of Settlers of Catan (dangerous, introducing me to new games...). And by abducted I mean, I was standing outside the car trying to decide what to do and gleej goes "just get in the car" so I got in the car. Easily convinced, I tell you. (And no, I wouldn't do that with strangers, lest anyone thinks I will actually be abducted).
Super duper fun...
Things I want to eat post-competitions:
-a coffee ice-cream milkshake
-coke. lots of non-diet coke.
-fettucine alfredo with chicken and broccoli.
-jackson hole burger.
-cheesecake.
-brownies.
-fried chicken.
-breaded pork chops.
After a long hard practice out in Bayside on Sat (my legs haven't been this purple in years - feels GREAT), I made it back to MN rather late for sg dinner. But some of my sgroupees were gracious enough to hang around and wait for me, and we proceeded from Island Burger to Ellen's Stardust Diner, where they had dessert and I had water. (Can I repeat how much I hate cutting weight? I'm getting better at watching other people eat yummy fat and refraining, though. *sigh* Yummy fat.)
That diner is hilarious - the waiters and waitresses come out and sing - and they're really quite good! I could have sat there and been entertained all night. What was even more amusing was when this one waitress came out to sing "Love Train", she danced right over to Mia, who clapped her hands in excitement - until the waitress pulled her out to join the love train. Mia managed to grab Bryan before the train took off down the aisles, leaving Carol and me to enjoy this performance and fumble for a camera. Ellen's Stardust Diner, people - I highly recommend it. Birthdays, bar mitzvah's, and small group memory-making.
So from there we proceeded to walk across town in the wind (Mia kept claiming she was going to get blown away...I guess this is what happens when you weigh double digits) to Bryan's to get his car (bless his company for funding our escapades) to drive Mia home. Thus the adventure to Queens began...
After the grand tour of her apt (which is seriously half the cost of living in MN), she treated us to some high quality music (did you know she has soul?) for trekking all the way out to Briarwood. From there we embarked on a quest via GPS and internet to find a 24 hour Target or Walmart, since we were in Queens (ie. stuff is cheaper) and with car (ie. don't have to carry it home on the subway) - but to no avail. Seriously, we called every Target and Walmart in that area and they were all closed. Lame.
In a desperate attempt to find something open 24 hours, we ended up going to Walgreens. How sad is it that that was really exciting? But it was...Christmas wrapping for super cheap!
Thankfully it was the reversal of daylight savings, so all this fun was supplemented by an extra hour of sleep. And who says God doesn't provide?
So then on Sunday I completely forgot that I had to teach at 9am until a kid showed up at my door. Whoops. She isn't my most exciting student, either, so mustering up the energy took some effort. After church, I walked across town (literally - from 10th ave to 2nd ave) to meet up with the alums bc gbae and gleej were in town! What a pleasant surprise...I love the class of 2000. And they are the other kcf class with 'the curse'. Haha.
So after lunch I was supposed to go to football, but ended up being abducted in the car to ahyeah's apt, where they introduced me to the world of Settlers of Catan (dangerous, introducing me to new games...). And by abducted I mean, I was standing outside the car trying to decide what to do and gleej goes "just get in the car" so I got in the car. Easily convinced, I tell you. (And no, I wouldn't do that with strangers, lest anyone thinks I will actually be abducted).
Super duper fun...
Things I want to eat post-competitions:
-a coffee ice-cream milkshake
-coke. lots of non-diet coke.
-fettucine alfredo with chicken and broccoli.
-jackson hole burger.
-cheesecake.
-brownies.
-fried chicken.
-breaded pork chops.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
decisions, decisions...
Should I buy it...should I not. I think my inner child is still bitter at my parents for giving away my 8-bit NES and Gameboy when I was a kid. I don't know who they gave it away to, but...I took it pretty hard. Gone are the days of Super Mario Bros 1, 2 and 3...Super Dodgeball, Super Contra (hrmm - I appear to have a thing for games with the name "super" in them).
Over the summer, on the way to shiau_d's wedding, I discovered in the backseat of Abe's car his Nintendo DS Lite and Big Brain Academy. Yes, I'm SuperDork, loud and proud - but I couldn't get enough of this game. Ash had to take it away from me because I was so obsessed with beating my score, I would have stayed up all night and slept thru the wedding. (Seriously, if you haven't played it...this game is freaking addicting).
Then last month, after a failed kcf alum (+B) attempt to go to Atlantic City (always an adventure with J) and/or karaoke (yo, when are we actually going?), we ended up buying poker chips at Duane Reade and going to the Moons'. There I discovered that dmoon had acquired a DS Lite as a groomsman's gift, and he had some game called Brain Age. I thought it would be the same thing, but it wasn't. Not nearly as fun...well, that and the voice recognition thing didn't work too well so it told me I was stupid. (I have a brain age of 80 or something like that - I was really sad!) I was stubbornly trying to redeem myself when I was called to rejoin civilization and lose my money at poker.
So as per my usual shopping habits with unnecessary purchases, I sit around and wait for awhile and see if I still want it. (Hence why it took me so long to get a cell phone, an iPod, a digital camera...) I mean, it's entirely useless beyond entertainment purposes. I should be practical and spend my money on things I need, like...food. Then again I do spend a lot of time on airplanes and bored out of my mind in airports, and there's a ridiculously long flight to Argentina coming up.
I'm so bad at making frivolous decisions. Be responsible? Or be fun?
Perhaps I will make a flow chart...
Over the summer, on the way to shiau_d's wedding, I discovered in the backseat of Abe's car his Nintendo DS Lite and Big Brain Academy. Yes, I'm SuperDork, loud and proud - but I couldn't get enough of this game. Ash had to take it away from me because I was so obsessed with beating my score, I would have stayed up all night and slept thru the wedding. (Seriously, if you haven't played it...this game is freaking addicting).
Then last month, after a failed kcf alum (+B) attempt to go to Atlantic City (always an adventure with J) and/or karaoke (yo, when are we actually going?), we ended up buying poker chips at Duane Reade and going to the Moons'. There I discovered that dmoon had acquired a DS Lite as a groomsman's gift, and he had some game called Brain Age. I thought it would be the same thing, but it wasn't. Not nearly as fun...well, that and the voice recognition thing didn't work too well so it told me I was stupid. (I have a brain age of 80 or something like that - I was really sad!) I was stubbornly trying to redeem myself when I was called to rejoin civilization and lose my money at poker.
So as per my usual shopping habits with unnecessary purchases, I sit around and wait for awhile and see if I still want it. (Hence why it took me so long to get a cell phone, an iPod, a digital camera...) I mean, it's entirely useless beyond entertainment purposes. I should be practical and spend my money on things I need, like...food. Then again I do spend a lot of time on airplanes and bored out of my mind in airports, and there's a ridiculously long flight to Argentina coming up.
I'm so bad at making frivolous decisions. Be responsible? Or be fun?
Perhaps I will make a flow chart...
Thursday, October 26, 2006
movies
"Great moments are born from great opportunity"
I treated myself to my favorite movie. Still as good as the first time. Nothing pulls my heartstrings as transformation, bringing out the best in someone, and that moment when a goal is realized against all odds.
That's right. My favorite movie is Miracle.
People always ask me why it's my favorite movie. I guess it's not a common favorite, since most people haven't even watched it. And I don't play hockey. But it's like both sides of my story, put on a hockey rink, played by white guys. But I think if you know me well, it's a no-brainer.
Speaking of which...I was thinking about what my top 5 movies are, and it made me all introspective as to why I like them so much.
1. Miracle
2. Searching for Bobby Fischer
3. Remember the Titans
4. Miss Congeniality
5. Toy Story
The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Haha, but perhaps only to me...
"The important thing is that those 20 boys know in 20 years, they didn't leave anything on the table. They played their hearts out. That's the important thing."
I treated myself to my favorite movie. Still as good as the first time. Nothing pulls my heartstrings as transformation, bringing out the best in someone, and that moment when a goal is realized against all odds.
That's right. My favorite movie is Miracle.
People always ask me why it's my favorite movie. I guess it's not a common favorite, since most people haven't even watched it. And I don't play hockey. But it's like both sides of my story, put on a hockey rink, played by white guys. But I think if you know me well, it's a no-brainer.
Speaking of which...I was thinking about what my top 5 movies are, and it made me all introspective as to why I like them so much.
1. Miracle
2. Searching for Bobby Fischer
3. Remember the Titans
4. Miss Congeniality
5. Toy Story
The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Haha, but perhaps only to me...
"The important thing is that those 20 boys know in 20 years, they didn't leave anything on the table. They played their hearts out. That's the important thing."
encouragement
I've been thinking about encouragements, and how to encourage others in a way they understand. Which led me to think about the ways that I'm encouraged. (Or discouraged, as the case may be).
I was really encouraged this week when:
-Jooho told me that if I were his quarterback, we'd be unstoppable, and proceeded to list the reasons why. What unexpected affirmations (particularly from the guy who doesn't give them very readily). Made me all the more sad that I can't play this year, but already makes me look forward to next season.
-The look on his face when I told Mumbles about Pan Ams. It's so heartwarming when you see that someone is so genuinely happy for you. As opposed to this conversation I had with my mom:
"Mom, guess what!"
"You got a boyfriend???"
"Um. No. I'm going to be on the national team to the Pan American Championships in Argentina..."
"Oh. That's good too."
Way to burst my bubble.
-JAAC is the best.
-Popped in Miracle. Still my favorite movie.
We've got to stop crying and start sweating. We've got to stop talking and start walking. Working together, with a common faith - we cannot fail.
I was really encouraged this week when:
-Jooho told me that if I were his quarterback, we'd be unstoppable, and proceeded to list the reasons why. What unexpected affirmations (particularly from the guy who doesn't give them very readily). Made me all the more sad that I can't play this year, but already makes me look forward to next season.
-The look on his face when I told Mumbles about Pan Ams. It's so heartwarming when you see that someone is so genuinely happy for you. As opposed to this conversation I had with my mom:
"Mom, guess what!"
"You got a boyfriend???"
"Um. No. I'm going to be on the national team to the Pan American Championships in Argentina..."
"Oh. That's good too."
Way to burst my bubble.
-JAAC is the best.
-Popped in Miracle. Still my favorite movie.
We've got to stop crying and start sweating. We've got to stop talking and start walking. Working together, with a common faith - we cannot fail.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Sunday, October 22, 2006
God is so good!!!!
I'm at work, and the phone rings.
"Hello, this is C P" (standard greeting, please don't be an architect)
"Hi" (distinctively male voice, speaking as though I should recognize it)
"Um. Who's this?" (clearly not recognizing...and probably offending...)
"It's His Royal Highness"
(moment of clarity, realization hits...HAHAHA.)
"Hi Sab"
I find it hilarious that this whole "Royal Highness" thing has become the norm between us. My coach is ridiculous. (See entry Oct 12).
I'm sitting at work on Friday, trying not to fall asleep after lunch, so I surreptitiously check my email (we're not supposed to use the internet at work) to find a message telling me to call Colorado. When I finally get through, I find out...
I'm going to the Pan American Championships in Argentina next month with the national team!!!
"Hello, this is C P" (standard greeting, please don't be an architect)
"Hi" (distinctively male voice, speaking as though I should recognize it)
"Um. Who's this?" (clearly not recognizing...and probably offending...)
"It's His Royal Highness"
(moment of clarity, realization hits...HAHAHA.)
"Hi Sab"
I find it hilarious that this whole "Royal Highness" thing has become the norm between us. My coach is ridiculous. (See entry Oct 12).
I'm sitting at work on Friday, trying not to fall asleep after lunch, so I surreptitiously check my email (we're not supposed to use the internet at work) to find a message telling me to call Colorado. When I finally get through, I find out...
I'm going to the Pan American Championships in Argentina next month with the national team!!!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
randomness
The difference between an arrogant guy and an arrogant girl: when you're up against someone who doesn't like you, the guy says "their opinion doesn't matter they are beneath me" and moves on. Whereas the girl says "their opinion doesn't matter they are beneath me" and then promptly wonders "but why don't they like me???"
* * * * *
Endy Chavez is freaking awesome. I think he just made me a Mets fan. What a catch.
* * * * *
I made a new friend this week. He's so much like Richard it's uncanny. Poofy volumous hair and all. Well, when Rich was skinny and small. Seriously, the hair and the hoojin doubles. Uncanny.
* * * * *
I was going up the stairs in the subway the other day when my hand clashed with the foot of the guy in front of me. It just happens when it gets busy - people bump into each other. He promptly turned around, glared at me, and said "if you touch me again I'll push you down those stairs"
What are you supposed to say in that type of situation? I was torn between standing up for myself and crumbling. But I know my own temperament, and figuring there was no way for me to stand up for myself gracefully, I ended up just staying silent.
I'm not sure if I'm proud of myself for walking away, or ashamed for being a weenie.
* * * * *
My super-motivated, super-talented 8-year-old student brightened my day today. I love teaching someone who loves to learn. She was so excited about my birthday, she was like "I'm going to get you a present! Oh I know! I'm going to get you a Taekwondo bear from Build-A-Bear!"
(she takes a moment to look around my room, spots my Vermont Teddy Bear with the Taekwondo uniform)
"Like that one!"
(she takes another scan, spots the Beanie Buddy that selbst made a dobok for back at TKD gift exchange '03)
"Or that one...huh. You have a lot of Taekwondo bears!"
Haha. Super cute. And then I made her do 40 minutes of doubles, and she totally loved it. Soemtimes you have these little moments that remind you that teaching can be joyful. I'll have to remember that tomorrow when I teach my other 8 year-old girl who hates math and consequently hates me...
* * * * *
Pom Tea is so good. So freaking expensive. But so good.
* * * * *
Endy Chavez is freaking awesome. I think he just made me a Mets fan. What a catch.
* * * * *
I made a new friend this week. He's so much like Richard it's uncanny. Poofy volumous hair and all. Well, when Rich was skinny and small. Seriously, the hair and the hoojin doubles. Uncanny.
* * * * *
I was going up the stairs in the subway the other day when my hand clashed with the foot of the guy in front of me. It just happens when it gets busy - people bump into each other. He promptly turned around, glared at me, and said "if you touch me again I'll push you down those stairs"
What are you supposed to say in that type of situation? I was torn between standing up for myself and crumbling. But I know my own temperament, and figuring there was no way for me to stand up for myself gracefully, I ended up just staying silent.
I'm not sure if I'm proud of myself for walking away, or ashamed for being a weenie.
* * * * *
My super-motivated, super-talented 8-year-old student brightened my day today. I love teaching someone who loves to learn. She was so excited about my birthday, she was like "I'm going to get you a present! Oh I know! I'm going to get you a Taekwondo bear from Build-A-Bear!"
(she takes a moment to look around my room, spots my Vermont Teddy Bear with the Taekwondo uniform)
"Like that one!"
(she takes another scan, spots the Beanie Buddy that selbst made a dobok for back at TKD gift exchange '03)
"Or that one...huh. You have a lot of Taekwondo bears!"
Haha. Super cute. And then I made her do 40 minutes of doubles, and she totally loved it. Soemtimes you have these little moments that remind you that teaching can be joyful. I'll have to remember that tomorrow when I teach my other 8 year-old girl who hates math and consequently hates me...
* * * * *
Pom Tea is so good. So freaking expensive. But so good.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
more than conquerers - part 2
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified." -Romans 8:28-30
* * * * *
Often I find myself asking, "why is this happening to me?"
As though I can really judge what is good or bad for me in the grand scheme of my life. However, P. Dave said something interesting to that question:
"The greatest gift God can give is to make us like Jesus. The unchanging program of God is that whether times are good or bad, He is trying to shape you. If all God did was polish, then we would never have shape or form. Wood doesn't carve itself, it yields to the carver."
So I suppose it isn't necessarily bad to ask God "why?" It's a perfectly natural response to any situation you don't understand. I think that I have a tendency to ask, expecting to receive an answer that is in line with what I think. However, the answer appears to be that simple.
Why? To make me more like Jesus.
In the words of the kids I teach - oh, snap!
So coming off of this retreat, if I could take one tangible thing away, it would be to challenge myself, in all circumstances, to ask the question "How is this making me more like Jesus?"
Oh, freaking snap indeed...
I must say, it's been quite the perspective shift. At the very least, it wards off (or uh, holds off) the pity parties and melodramamatic frustrations. But in order to understand how these situations make you more like Jesus, you have to know the character and experiences of Jesus.
So I recently lost my training partner and only real peer/friend at the dj to graduation from law school and entrance into corporate law. J was my best good friend. He was the one who would scrape me off the ground...who literally was there at the mat, coaching me through all the times I fought Sabs until I broke, who would pick me up when I was a crying wheezing ball on the side, who would tell me more about my game (and myself) than I could ever have seen in my own denial. He was the one who suffered with me through brutal workouts, who inspired me with how good he was, who made himself available despite school and finals and girlfriends when I needed him. He was the one who sparred me just hard enough to push me but not so hard that I'd get discouraged and give up. He was the one who was always on my side.
And above all, he was the one person who always, always believed in me even when it felt like no one else did. Even when I didn't. Not in the "you can do it!" sense that anyone can say, but in knowing all about my strengths and weaknesses and standing by me in my best and worst moments. No matter who I was up against, he never once gave up on me or thought that I didn't stand a chance. And he believed in me in a way I understood.
He was the card in my back pocket.
He moved downtown this summer, and disappeared into the world of power ties and cocktails, only to emerge on occasion. I feel like I lost a little bit of myself.
A is one of my little bros, quite talented, and loyal in a way that only dongsengs are. He could always be counted on to hold, to observe, to generally be supportive. He was the only one who knew how to stretch me, the one who would run with me and push me, who would be that "annoying lil' bro" and make me laugh. Who would let noona smack him around just because I was noona, and love to give me nasty sweaty hugs and shake his hair in my face after I put him through a grueling workout. In his own way, I could count on him to be there. Until recently. Overwhelmed with work and school, he's lost motivation in his own training and fallen off the face of the earth.
M was my only girl junior who was also my friend. Her support went so far where I was only surrounded by boys. (Don't get me wrong - I love my boys - but being the only girl is rough sometimes.) She was the one who looked up to me and whose admiration reminded me that I was to be as awesome as she thought I was. She was the one who wrote me good luck cards, sent me inspirational quotes before Spain, and generally just encouraged me. We sent her off to college this fall, where she is now happily a freshman and moving on. I miss her.
B&N were the most awesome positive supporters ever. They flew with me everywhere for a year, cheered me on at tournaments, were always so excited and genuinely interested in everything that happened. They would sit and watch me practice and just want to see me fight. Their wide-eyed color belt wonderment at the game and the training was so refreshing - it restored much of my love for the pureness of it, and melted away the jaded and tired blanket that so often settles. I used to see them almost every day - talked to them every day. Last year they got pregnant and are now proud parents of a beautiful baby girl. I've seen them less than 10 times in the last year.
D was my baby. I saw him every day at the dojang, when his little face would light up, he'd run across the room and give me a big fat hug and kiss on the cheek, saying "hi noona!" It was the best part of my day. He'd want to show me his Pokemon cards and Power Rangers. And as he got older and more articulate, we actually started having conversations. He's 5 1/2 now, and started kindergarten in September. I miss "hi noona!"
* * * * *
Often I find myself asking, "why is this happening to me?"
As though I can really judge what is good or bad for me in the grand scheme of my life. However, P. Dave said something interesting to that question:
"The greatest gift God can give is to make us like Jesus. The unchanging program of God is that whether times are good or bad, He is trying to shape you. If all God did was polish, then we would never have shape or form. Wood doesn't carve itself, it yields to the carver."
So I suppose it isn't necessarily bad to ask God "why?" It's a perfectly natural response to any situation you don't understand. I think that I have a tendency to ask, expecting to receive an answer that is in line with what I think. However, the answer appears to be that simple.
Why? To make me more like Jesus.
In the words of the kids I teach - oh, snap!
So coming off of this retreat, if I could take one tangible thing away, it would be to challenge myself, in all circumstances, to ask the question "How is this making me more like Jesus?"
Oh, freaking snap indeed...
I must say, it's been quite the perspective shift. At the very least, it wards off (or uh, holds off) the pity parties and melodramamatic frustrations. But in order to understand how these situations make you more like Jesus, you have to know the character and experiences of Jesus.
So I recently lost my training partner and only real peer/friend at the dj to graduation from law school and entrance into corporate law. J was my best good friend. He was the one who would scrape me off the ground...who literally was there at the mat, coaching me through all the times I fought Sabs until I broke, who would pick me up when I was a crying wheezing ball on the side, who would tell me more about my game (and myself) than I could ever have seen in my own denial. He was the one who suffered with me through brutal workouts, who inspired me with how good he was, who made himself available despite school and finals and girlfriends when I needed him. He was the one who sparred me just hard enough to push me but not so hard that I'd get discouraged and give up. He was the one who was always on my side.
And above all, he was the one person who always, always believed in me even when it felt like no one else did. Even when I didn't. Not in the "you can do it!" sense that anyone can say, but in knowing all about my strengths and weaknesses and standing by me in my best and worst moments. No matter who I was up against, he never once gave up on me or thought that I didn't stand a chance. And he believed in me in a way I understood.
He was the card in my back pocket.
He moved downtown this summer, and disappeared into the world of power ties and cocktails, only to emerge on occasion. I feel like I lost a little bit of myself.
A is one of my little bros, quite talented, and loyal in a way that only dongsengs are. He could always be counted on to hold, to observe, to generally be supportive. He was the only one who knew how to stretch me, the one who would run with me and push me, who would be that "annoying lil' bro" and make me laugh. Who would let noona smack him around just because I was noona, and love to give me nasty sweaty hugs and shake his hair in my face after I put him through a grueling workout. In his own way, I could count on him to be there. Until recently. Overwhelmed with work and school, he's lost motivation in his own training and fallen off the face of the earth.
M was my only girl junior who was also my friend. Her support went so far where I was only surrounded by boys. (Don't get me wrong - I love my boys - but being the only girl is rough sometimes.) She was the one who looked up to me and whose admiration reminded me that I was to be as awesome as she thought I was. She was the one who wrote me good luck cards, sent me inspirational quotes before Spain, and generally just encouraged me. We sent her off to college this fall, where she is now happily a freshman and moving on. I miss her.
B&N were the most awesome positive supporters ever. They flew with me everywhere for a year, cheered me on at tournaments, were always so excited and genuinely interested in everything that happened. They would sit and watch me practice and just want to see me fight. Their wide-eyed color belt wonderment at the game and the training was so refreshing - it restored much of my love for the pureness of it, and melted away the jaded and tired blanket that so often settles. I used to see them almost every day - talked to them every day. Last year they got pregnant and are now proud parents of a beautiful baby girl. I've seen them less than 10 times in the last year.
D was my baby. I saw him every day at the dojang, when his little face would light up, he'd run across the room and give me a big fat hug and kiss on the cheek, saying "hi noona!" It was the best part of my day. He'd want to show me his Pokemon cards and Power Rangers. And as he got older and more articulate, we actually started having conversations. He's 5 1/2 now, and started kindergarten in September. I miss "hi noona!"
more than conquerers - part 2.5
(continued...)
It's a really scary feeling when you look around one day and realize that you're running this race alone. That there is no one you can count on but yourself - that you may be able to ask for help, but there is no one who will volunteer without having been asked, or who you can ask freely without feeling guilty or demanding, that there is no one training beside you, no net to catch you if you fall.
Such is life - changes happen, priorities and circumstances shift, and people move on. It's not personal - it just...is. It's a rather bizarre coincidence that the closest people to me all seem to have exited at once, but...there we have it.
So how does this make me more like Jesus?
Surely Jesus understood loneliness more than anyone else. Surely Jesus understood disappointment. When I think about the
But they failed Him. Not understanding what was happening, not seeing the distress on His heart, they fell asleep.
Man, if I was Jesus I'd be pretty upset. It's like, hello, I need a little support here because I'm about to die a humiliating death to save you fools, and you can't even stay awake? I'm sure He was annoyed. You could tell in the way He rebuked them. But somehow...it wasn't personal. There was no bitterness. If anything, I think He was sad that they still didn't get it. In the end, He didn't necessarily get the support that He had desired. But nonetheless, He did what He came to do.
I'm not entirely sure how this makes me more like Jesus. Perhaps it's in staying focused on the goal at hand, despite the ultimate setback of going at it alone. Perhaps it's in learning to give grace instead of harboring bitterness in the circumstances. Perhaps it's in being humble enough to know that you need others, even if they have or will let you down (intentionally or unintentionally). Or perhaps it's staying focused on the purpose, regardless of circumstance.
I wish I could give some inspirational conclusion...but I don't know. But it's been an interesting exercise, and a good excuse to study Mark 14. I don't think I have the answer...but I hope that in beginning search for it, I'll understand how it's shaping me.
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