had a bad day

*sigh*

So one thing I've been trying NOT to do is vent via blogging. However, as an external processor and an emoter...sometimes it's the only means around. And quite therapeutic at that.

It's been one of those days. One of those playing-Daniel-Powter-on-repeat and wanting to sing along with the lyrics of

They tell me your blue sky's faded to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carrying on 

except for the fact that you're not alone in your room where no one can hear you belt them out, so even the good songs are internalized.

Note to self - sleep 6 hours per night or else you will be very very tired and consequently grumpy at the first thing that goes wrong. And something will go wrong by 9am.

So it's Friday. After a fun adventure to NJ last night (it's always an adventure with JP - that guy is freaking hilarious. I was pleasantly surprised as well.) - I was dead tired in the morning. We have coordination meetings every Friday with the architects and other engineers, but usually they only go for about 4 hours. Today took almost all freaking 8 hours. You know it's bad when you're falling asleep while someone's talking to you.

It also didn't help (or maybe it did) that my boss was running on 4 hours of sleep and a massive hangover from entertaining our Korean clients last night. It would have been quite amusing, if not for the fact that I was too tired to pay attention.

So today was one of those days where when it rains, it pours. Literally. I'm talking flash flood, useless umbrella in gusts blowing sideways squish squish go my shoes saturation. On my way back to the office (while carrying reams and reams of drawings, which were all soaked and consequently heavier) I was caught in a downpour. One so bad that people were just standing in doorways and overhangs waiting for it to pass. In the 2 blocks to the subway station, I managed to get completely soaked. Once I got back to the office, I decided to call my physical therapist and cancel my appt for today. There was no way that I was going to be able to work out in those shoes and socks - I was so wet, my pants were clinging to my legs in a spandex fashion that I do not endorse. The last thing I wanted to do was take my socks off and put them back on.

So I called, and talked to the receptionist.

"Hi, this is CP, can you tell Jerry that I'm completely soaked and don't have time to go home and get new shoes and socks for my appt today?"

"Um, OK. Do you want to come in at 7.30? He has an opening"

"Well, I have Bible study at 7.30, so I think I have to cancel for today"

"OK I'll let him know"

Fine. All well and good. I'm finishing off my emails, getting ready to go home, shower, breathe, and go to small group.

5 minutes later, my phone rings.

"Hi, this is RPT - I told Jerry you can't come in and he said 'that's no excuse!' and wants you in the gym"

"Does he underSTAND how wet I am, and that I'm going to fall OFF the treadmill?"

"I don't know, he says you have to work out"

I couldn't believe it. Fine. I made a commitment, and no one's going to accuse me of making excuses to get out of doing something. I thought it was a good reason, but if he wasn't going to take it, then I'd just have to go in.

But I was in a foul mood. Not good. And nothing upsets me more than working out and being goaded when I'm not in the mood. Especially since I had to wade through the Friday 5:15pm rush hour crowd in Times Sq and Grand Central to get to the really crowded unairconditioned trains - in my now sticky soaked clothes.

So finally I storm into PT (squish squish) and Jerry starts giving me crap about being late, and trying to make excuses. I was sucking it up fine until he starts goading me with 'is that the attitude of a champion?' and all this other Vince Lombardi-esque stuff.

And then I lost it. I took of my shoes, threw my nasty socks on the ground, and exploded with

"Well, I'm NOT a champion. Clearly I've TRIED and I've FAILED and I'm never going to be better than second best so don't expect me to be one because I'm NOT. You wanted me to be here, I'm here. But I'm wet and tired and I'm not putting my socks back on, so do whatever you want."

I think he felt bad. Whatever.

So after that, I had to figure out how to get home. I just couldn't make myself put my pants back on, they were still saturated. And my socks, they were beyond that - they were still dripping. Jerry did have a pair of socks around that he gave me, but they were really thick knee socks. Along with my running shorts, I looked extra awesome. Putting my soggy shoes back on made me feel extra awesome. And this is how I made it home.

And now I'm too tired to leave my apt, so I didn't even get to go to small group. Rawr.

It probably didn't help that I've had a relatively bad week and am just realizing that I'm having a quarter life crisis. What am I supposed to do with my life? Is my body ever going to heal? And WHAT is going on with Sabs and why is it that I have no one I can count on?

How is it possible that in a city that's overcrowded with this many people, that you can be so very alone? Why is it that I don't have peers? Or seniors? I love all my juniors dearly - but how long can you go on taking care of others when the ones who you counted on to care for you are now gone? Some reasons legitimate, some less so - but the fact is...you can't wish anyone to care for you or be there for you. Perhaps I should just accept that relationships cannot be made on my efforts alone. But it's kind of sobering to see the reality that, if I stop making ridiculous efforts - that they die.

OK this is getting too negative. Enough. It's 8pm on a Friday night and I'm going to sleep. Or something.