identity crisis - part 4

"Hey you look good - have you been losing weight?"

"Naw... it's probably just because I'm wearing black".

* * * * *

Sometimes you learn the darndest things about yourself from seemingly insignificant comments.

So these days, when I walk into hand therapy (at freaking 7am, when I'm usually tired and not necessarily looking very happy or cheery), Dave my therapist greets me with a big smile and something along the lines of "Good morning! How is the lovely Miss Christina today?"

The first time he did that, I literally turned around, thinking "there's another Christina that has a 7am appointment today? What a coincidence!" - before realizing that he was talking to me. And perhaps it's because he has 3 daughters himself (one who shares my name, in fact) that he's just a warm and nurturing type who showers compliments - but it definitely caught me off-guard.

Over the course of the last couple months he's been treating my hand, we've gotten to know each other decently well. And one thing that Dave's been commenting frequently on as he gets to know me better is "you're such a girl!"

Good observation, Sherlock.

The thing is, he usually says it while he's chuckling and smiling at something I said or did. He means it in a good way. Huh? It surprised me at first, since my reaction to such a comment is usually to get defensive, like "what's that supposed to mean?" Typically, references to being "such a girl" have always been told to me in a context of weakness or inferiority.

Growing up, I think I was constantly trying to prove that I could do anything a boy could do - and if possible, better. Coming from a culture where some still think my greatest skill should be cutting fruit didn't really help things. I never wanted anyone to treat me differently or make things easier for me just because I was a girl. I played kickball with the boys in recess instead of playing on the bars like the rest of the girls. I've always had boys as training partners. Even now, most of what I hear being described as "like a girl" is often negative, such as constantly being told not to "punch like a girl", "throw like a girl" or do "girly pushups".

But I wonder - has this image kept me from being free to be the woman God has made me to be?

Don't get me wrong - I think that the role of women is very important, and that God made us to be strong and intelligent and talented to glorify Him, just as men do. But I think one thing that I often overlook is that God also made women to be beautiful. (Ref. Genesis and all that bone of my bones flesh of my flesh reaction from Adam at the sight of Eve). I think this is precisely why so many women are plagued with image issues and eating disorders, as we believe the lies that are planted to make us insecure in what God gave us.

In my reactions, I realized that maybe I just don't know how to take a compliment when it's not in an area that I'm confident in (ie. an identity I have worked towards and forged for myself). I've been praised for being smart, or athletic, or talented - essentially, for the things I can do. And I've been proud of and confident in my accomplishments to recognize that there was at least *some* truth to these compliments, so that they weren't just saying the words for the sake of making me feel good.

But when people give me adjectives like "lovely" and "pretty" and "cute" - I don't know how to take it. I've gotten better at hiding my skepticism, or immediately disagreeing with them - but there's a tiny part of me that's like "eh???"

I think that a plain woman is as insecure about her beauty as a skinny guy is insecure about his strength. But beauty is not just measured by how you look, just as strength is not just measured by how much you can lift. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm going to go out and enter a beauty pageant (unless it's something along the lines of Miss Congeniality) - but it did make me think.

I have to give credit to the guy, he keeps trying. Despite my reluctance to really accept his compliments, he's wearing me down and it's not as bizarre as it used to be. It's a pretty great skill, to be able to affirm someone without being sketchy or somehow have a motive - perhaps therapy is more than for just my hand.

Sometimes I think receiving is more difficult than giving. But it's still an important skilled to be learned, not just for yourself, but for affirming the giver.

Though I still think that that particular black shirt has a slimming effect...